Come Alive

The older I get the more I come into my own skin.  I know who I am and I know who I belong to.  I also become more aware of the spiritual world and the forces around us at work, both good and evil.  I desire to raise children that know the Holy Spirit on a deep and personal level.  The other day I had a conversation with the girls about why we left our last church.  I won't mention the name, but in a nutshell I never heard the name of the Holy Spirit mentioned from the pulpit.  I enjoyed the pastor and the people and that's what kept us there longer than we probably should have stayed.   As we were chatting about it Sydney said, "Mommy you can't have just Jesus and God.  You have to have the Holy Spirit too".  At 9, she gets the Trinity.  Jesus left a free gift to us in the Holy Spirit.  So many Christians, including myself, forget this crucial part of Christianity.  We walk around hopeless and defeated, racked with anxiety and fear.  This is not living friends.  He has so much more for us.

I am thankful the Holy Spirit led us back to a place that is familiar to us, with an amazing pastor, one who is longing for revival.  We are getting ready to embark on something life changing for our family and I will tell you I have had many thoughts of inadequacies and "what the heck are we doing moments".  These thoughts are straight from the pit of hell.  We know God has called us for such a time as this.  That's where I must rely on the Holy Spirit to put the devil in its place and to ask for more of Him.  Doubt, confusion, worry, fear, etc. all come from the enemy.

What are you fearing today?  What are you believing God for, but questioning if He will really come through for you?  Brian and I had a lunch meeting today and I was reminded that anytime you step outside of your comfort zone and believe God will show up and doing the remarkable, you will always be faced with opposition.  Satan is on the prowl and ready to devour anyone standing in his way.  We are living in times where Christians must take up the armor of God and go to battle.  The battle that is fought and won on our knees.  We have to pray like we have never prayed before.  I am constantly talking to the Lord throughout my day.  It really is the only way I make it.  It may sound cliche' but it is so true.  I continually have to ask Him to fill me up.  One way we do that is to listen to worship music in our home.  We are huge Lauren Daigle fans at our house.  We have her record on repeat at our house, that is if I am not listening to a podcast.  That's another blog post coming soon.  Enjoy this video of one of my favorites and be reminded that the Holy Spirit is waiting for you draw near to Him.  Breathe O breath of God, Breathe.

He Makes All Things New

I've sensed a calling in my spirit now for sometime to come back to blogging.  A month ago I decided to get off Facebook.  I knew it was taking up to much time.  When you've spent more time on Facebook than time in the Word, it becomes an idol.  I knew that had to change.  I meant business this time, so I told Brian to change my password.  I didn't want to have the opportunity to log in when I was feeling a moment of weakness.  That made all the difference in the world.  I have been faithful to what He has called me to do. Y'all it has been life changing.  I told Brian last night that I don't miss Facebook at all.  If you know me, however, you know I love to share my heart and thoughts.  Facebook gave me that platform.  Although, I know at times I didn't use it well.  There is only so much you can share in so many words and I am afraid at times I came off harsh and insensitive.  That was never my intent.  With blogging, however, I am free to bare my soul in more just than a few words.

God is moving in our family and I am excited to share some things with you in the next few months.  We are on a new and crazy journey and I invite you along for the ride.  It's been a long 12 year journey, but He is making ALL THINGS NEW.  The heartache He is replacing with Hope, tears with Joy and mourning with Dancing.

Lord I worship you above all others. You carry me through the storms and valleys and you set my feet upon higher ground.  To you be all the Glory, Honor and Praise forever and ever.

Delight in Him,
Krista

To Serve the Least of These

Tomorrow is the day.  A day we have been planning, for over a year.  Brian and I have a heart for missions.  We believe we are called to serve those less fortunate than ourselves.  We will soon get our chance to do just that.  The best part about it is that these two little girls will get to experience it all with us.

We would love your prayers.

1. For safety as we fly and safety as we drive through the Dominican Republic.  I've heard our van doesn't have seat belts.  Yikes!

2. Good health for all of us.  The dizziness has been really bad lately and I am just praying for some good days while we are there.

3. Most importantly, please pray for the hearts of the kids we will be ministering to.  We will be showing the Jesus Movie to them in Spanish.  My prayer is that many kids and adults, will come to know the Lord.

Thank you for coming on this journey with us.  You can follow our trip on Twitter @kristalord and @premierebrian or here on my blog.  

If you want to learn more about the organization we are going with or to sponsor a child, please visit Servants Heart Ministries.



Sole Hope

I love blogging and I love this community for such a time as this.  Today, I need your help.  Brian and I are passionate about non profit work.  In fact, Brian started a monthly "think tank" for local non profits in our city.  It's a place where they can come together and bounce ideas around and figure out ways that each of their causes can become greater and reach more people.

One of Brian's friends, Dru (CEO of Sole Hope) and his wife Asher, (founder of Sole Hope), need your help.  Please take 3 minutes to watch this video.  You can help change the life of a child and it won't cost you a penny.

I don't know about you, but that video moved me to tears.  I had no idea such a thing even existed.  I had never heard of jiggers.  This is something that doesn't need to happen and can be so easily prevented.  I take for granted daily, the simple fact of lacing up my shoes.  I don't give it a second thought.  I have to yell at my kids in the morning to get their shoes on.  These kids don't have that luxury.  I love to watch my girls run and play and I never have to worry about them getting a painful disease because they don't have shoes on their feet.

So how can you help?  Right now, Sole Hope was selected as one of 30 charities to win a $50,000 grant.  This would enable them to provide jobs & shoes to orphans and widows right now and it won't cost you a cent! They have an awesome chance of winning, but they need your help.  They have been going back and forth between first and second place.
It really only takes a few seconds to cast your vote.  Please click here and help Sole Hope win this amazing grant.  You can vote everyday.  Contest ends March 30th. 

Here are some other ways you can help out this amazing ministry.

1. Like them on Facebook and share Sole Hope with your friends.
2. Follow them on Twitter @SoleHope
3. Vote everyday until March 30th.
4. Blog about it.
5. Order a shoe kit, it's free.  This is an awesome project you can get your kids involved in or you can take it a step further and host a shoe cutting party at your house or your church.
6. Donate to make a difference in the life of a child.  Just $10 can provide a pair of shoes for a child in need.

The Lord has laid it on my heart to go a step further.  For every comment that is left on my blog, I will personally donate  $1 to Sole Hope.  Just leave me a comment telling me that you voted for Sole Hope. 

Now I have given you two ways to help and it hasn't cost you anything but a few mintues of your time.

The time is now to help these children.  "I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!"   Matthew 25:40

Ups and Downs

I'm having one of those days.  I know we all have them, but today just plain stinks.  I really want to throw myself a pity party right here and now, but I'm going to refrain.  Really, what would it help anyway.  It wouldn't do anything but letting the devil get an even bigger foothold into my life than he already has.

In a nutshell, I have a migraine and the dizziness is getting worse.  How can this be?  I finally have a diagnosis and therapy to help it, but it's not. Would you please pray for me?  I'm at the end of my rope.  I called my hubby in tears today at the office.  I hate doing that, but sometimes I just have to and it's better to break down to him, then in front of the girls.

So as sweet and supportive as only my man can be, he blogged about it.  You can read it here.  He doesn't know I am writing this, but if you would love to leave him a comment on his blog, that would be awesome.  He would be thrilled.  I'd love to do a little something for him to say thank you for taking such good care of me.  Thanks y'all. 

Will you choose Joy?

I wrote this on the chalkboard I have hanging in our kitchen.  I've been learning alot about joy these last few weeks.  Maybe it's because we are entering one of the most joyous times of the year. 

It got me thinking, what is joy?  Webster defines joy as "the emotion evoked by well-being, success, or good fortune or by the prospect of possessing what one desires : delight"  This is what the world say is joy.  Notice it says success, good fortune, getting your desires.  Those are all things that are temporary.  One day you can have all of those things and the next day, it can be all stripped away.

What does the Bible say about joy?  In James 1:1-8 it says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. 

I believe that true joy comes from the Lord.  The world cannot bring me joy.  Sure, there are things in this world that can make me happy, but happiness is fleeting.  It's dependent on my circumstances.  Only the Lord living inside me, can bring me joy.  Being joyful is a choice.  I can choose to be joyful or I can choose to be sorrowful.  Which will I choose?  I have to say that most days I miss the mark.  I don't choose joy.  I wallow in my self pity and focus on what I don't have instead of the blessings that I do have.  I focus on my physical ailments instead of praying for the Lord's healing hand upon my sick body.  This sign reminds me daily that it's up to me.

Maybe you are in the same boat I am in tonight, having a hard time finding the joy through your trials.  Afterall, what is so joyful about the loss of a child, a spouse, your health, or your home?  The holidays can be a tough time when you are in the middle of the desert.  You are desperate for rest and water, but there is none to be found.  Call on the name of Jesus.  Look to the only one that can quench your thirst and bring rest to your weary bones.  Drag yourself to the feet of Jesus, where He is waiting with open arms to love you and refresh you.  My joy and my hope is found in Christ alone. It can never be taken away.

So, what is joy to me?  Hearing my girls say with a smile, "I love you mommy". That is Joy. To hold the hand of my husband and know he loves me unconditionally. That is Joy. To know one day I will live forever with my Savior. That is Joy. The hope that I will hold my sweet babies again. That is Joy.

I can choose to have joy now, even in the midst of my pain and tears. The choice is mine to make.

Xmas

Does the title of my post today bother you?  It bothers me.  I don't like when I see Christmas abbreviated like this.  Some would say that I am being too sensitive.  That it's no big deal, but to me, it is.  As we get ready to celebrate Christmas, I am reminded all too much how "commercialized" this holiday has become.  I faced it head on this week when Brooklyn came home with this form for me to fill out.

Do you see anything missing?  I saw it right away and so did Brooklyn.  Where is the manger scene?  Yes, I realize the Christmas tree and Santa represent Christmas, but it's not my Christmas.  It's not what Christmas was founded on.  Let me say right away, that I do not fault my daughter's teacher.  She is fabulous.  I know teachers have a ton of work and they go above and beyond for our children.  I do not know who made up the form, but it makes me sad that Christ was left off.  (If you are looking at the picture next to Santa and wondering what it is, don't worry, so did I.  Brian looked it up.  It's a Scandinavian holiday called St. Lucia Day).

I was not offended with the fact that the paper was sent home.  I don't have a problem with that.  If I was a teacher I would want to know more about my kids and what they believe and celebrate.  What I do have a problem with is that if we are going to have other faiths represented, I believe that the Christian faith should be represented as well.  Yes, I am well aware that my child attends a public school.  It just seems to me that everyone wants us to be tolerant of other peoples religions and beliefs, but when it comes to being "tolerant" of Christianity, people get upset.

Personally, I am tired of it.  It's time to take a stand for what I believe even if it makes people upset or uncomfortable.  I will never apologize for loving the Lord with every ounce of my being.  I won't apologize for raising my children to become all they can in Christ and for raising them to stand up for their beliefs.  When I asked Brooklyn if she saw something missing in the picture she said, "Mommy, where's the manger?"  She got upset and said, "mommy, you need to tell my teacher".  I told her that I wrote on the paper that we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Maybe you are reading this and agree with me 100%.  Maybe you totally disagree with me and think I am over reacting and being too sensitive.  That's ok.  Let's agree to disagree.  That's what I love about this country.  We have the freedom to worship whatever God we choose to worship.  However, that freedom has come at a cost, and today, on Veterans Day, I want to say Thank You.  Thank you to the men and women who have served this country proudly and to the families that have lost a loved one, THANK YOU for the ultimate sacrifice. 

God Bless America!!!

Random Thoughts by Krista Lord

Do you ever have those days when your mind goes a million miles an hour and it just won't stop? Well I've been having a whole month of it. I guess that's why I haven't been posting as much as I used to. Forgive me, but this post will probably be a little ADD.

I am so thankful fall is here. Can I get an amen? Seriously, it's my fav time of the year. I love everything about it. What I don't like is how busy our lives seem to get. The girls are both in school and loving their teachers and doing really well. I am one of the room moms in Brooklyn's class and I'm busy, with the other moms, planning the fall party and teacher appreciation.

Brooklyn started up soccer again and Sydney's new ballet class began again as well. As luck would have it, both events are on Sat morning, which means, conflicting schedules. Then there is choir at church on Sunday nights. I love that the girls have fun activities to do and they love doing them, but sometimes I miss just having down time. Anyone else with me on this?

I guess what I am saying is that I never want to get too busy that we stop having family meals together. Did you know that children who eat meals together at least 5 times a week are more likely to have higher grades in school? Here's another important statistic. This one is especially important to me because I am a mom of 2 girls. Studies show that teenage girls who ate five or more meals per week, with their families, were less likely to resort to extreme dieting measures such as self-induced vomiting, diet pills or laxatives. This was true regardless of socioeconomic status, body mass index or family connectedness. Wow. Not something I want my girls to deal with.

Speaking of mealtime, my girls surprised me with breakfast in bed yesterday. Brian said it was all their idea. It made my morning. Brian captured a quick video of the girls explaining the meal. Syd always seems to make an infomercial out of it. She is such a ham in front of the camera. Brooklyn was too busy eating. My kind of girl. :)


In health news, I found out my thyroid is not functioning and I'm anemic. What a wonderful combination. No wonder I was so dog tired all the time. I have no idea how I ran during the summer. So, I'm on iron as well as Thyroid Armour (wanted to go the non synthetic route and not take Synthroid) to help boost my thyroid. I go back next week for bloodwork to see if all the supplements I am taking are working. I have alot more energy, but I'm still incredibly dizzy.

I ran across a print out in my room of a Jesus Calling Devo from January 8th. I felt like someone needed to hear this tonight.

"HOPE in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. HOPE is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My kingdom. Cling to HOPE, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness."

Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble."

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer".

Romans 15:13 " May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."

My Own Little World

"In my own little world, population ME." That line from a Mathew West song convicted me like nothing has in awhile. Have you heard of this song? If you haven't, I urge you to watch the video. It's amazing.

I've heard it alot over the last month or so and every time I have heard it I feel the Holy Spirit tugging on my heart. It got to the point where I just couldn't listen anymore. I had to act on what I was hearing. That was made easy for me this past Monday when Brian and I took the girls to our church to help with an event to serve homeless men in our community. It's called Room in the Inn. Our church and other churches in the community have helped out with this program for years. In fact we learned that night from the director that they have an annual budget of $2400 to provide food and clothing for these men. That's it. If it wasn't for the help of churches they wouldn't be able to make it.

Our Sunday school class was in charge of this night and my friend Brandi headed it up. We all chipped in for the meal we would provide and for duffel bags with blankets and toiletries for each of the 12 men that would come to the church. They would not only get a hot meal, but they would get a shower, haircut, and a warm place to sleep. Most importantly they would each get their own Bible.

I can tell you that my life has been forever changed by sharing a meal with these men. To be honest, I've always kind of had a bad attitude toward the homeless. Of course I feel sorry for them, but it was kind of like, well I'm sure they're on drugs or have been in jail and they brought it on themselves. They deserve to be where they are. I'm sure that that is the case alot of the times, but shame on me for thinking this way about them. Who am I to judge them?

The man that sat at our table, we'll call him "Mr. J", changed my thinking that night. His story was not one of drug abuse or drinking, but one of sadness. His brother committed suicide and it rocked his world. That's the event that pushed him over the edge, that and the fact that he had lost his job. I got to realize that we are all one step away from that tragedy that could send us to that same place. It can happen to any of us at anytime.

Mr. J went on to tell us that he got saved and baptized last year. He has a job working for the carnival when it's in town. He's doing the best he can and I was honored that he shared his story with us. I was thankful my girls could meet him. Sydney kept saying to me, "Mommy, Mr J doesn't have a home. He really lives on the street? Mommy that's so sad". Yes it is my sweet girl, but what's even sadder is the fact that we just pass him by. We don't do anything to help "the least of these".

Well, no longer. I just can't stand by and watch the pain in the world anymore and pretend that it doesn't exist. I can no longer live in my comfortable home with my girls and let them grow up thinking it's all about them. It's got to change. I'm actually nervous typing this because in my heart I know God is getting ready to do something big and that's scary to me. Maybe you are where I am right now. You know the Lord is calling you out of your comfort zone, but you are too afraid to jump. I want you to know that I am here for you and will take that leap of faith with you.

I will be sharing a way you can get involved in the next few weeks. I don't have all the details worked out, but I know the Lord will help me figure it all out. Until then, I ask that you be in prayer as to how the Lord can use you to help those in need.

100,000 and being real

As I look at my little page ticker dealy who, I can't believe I am 150 hits away from 100,000. That is crazy to me. I never thought anyone would read my blog, but my family and maybe a few friends. It started out as a way to chronicle my girls growing up because I was horrible at scrap booking. I still have never finished their baby books. Can anyone else relate?

I never would have imagined that the struggles and heartaches that I have been through would touch the hearts of those that read my blog. I'm glad my words can do that, because for me it helps me make sense of it all. I have to admit that I've been having a rough time lately. It seems I've had to deal with one loss after another this year and it's taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and just don't have tears left to cry. I could really use your prayers, especially during this holiday season and next month as I approach, what would have been, my delivery date of our son.

I can't put in to words just how much I miss him. This is not how I pictured Christmas to be this year. I thought I would be hugely pregnant and very uncomfortable, sitting around watching my girls open their presents and even letting them open some up for their baby brother. The nursery would have been ready by now with all of his little onsies washed and hanging in the closet. The cars seat would be in the van just in case I went into labor early. The girls would have their big sister shirts all ready to go and waiting for them to wear to the hospital. My bag would be packed and ready to go by the front door. The girls would snuggle up on the couch and touch my big belly and smile and laugh as their brother kicked inside mommy. Our family would finally be complete with the son that we had always wanted since having the girls.

I just don't get it. Why us again? Wasn't once enough? What did we do to deserve such pain? I know God understands these questions that I ask. I know that I may never get an answer to these questions this side of Heaven. I know His love for me goes deeper than I could ever comprehend and that His heart aches that I am in so much pain. I know all of this in my head, but my heart feels like it's been ripped in two.

Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond words with an amazing husband and two precious little girls. I am proud to be a wife and a mother. I know this season in my life will pass and the sun will shine again. God is still working on the ending to my story and I wait with anticipation to see how it will all unfold.

So thank you for reading my little blog. I am honored and humbled that you would take a few minutes out of your busy day to read what I have to say. Thank you for your prayers over the last few months. I cannot begin to express how that has touched my heart and soul. I want to post my devotion from Tuesday that was just so awesome that I had to share it with you. May it encourage you and bring joy to your heart.

Into My Heart

What is the one thing your child could say that would make you happy? I've always thought it would be her first "mama", or "I love you mommy". While those things made me smile when she said them, today's words made me cry.

We had just pulled into our parking spot at church when all of a sudden from behind I hear a little voice say, "Come into my heart God". I jumped out of the front seat and opened up the sliding door and said, "Sydney, do you want to ask Jesus into your heart"? Without hesitation she said yes. I said, "OK, I am going to lead you into a prayer and I want you to say it after me." With tears in my eyes, I lead my precious 3 year old in a prayer. She repeated every word I said verbatim. I was such a proud mama. I leaned over and gave her a kiss. I knew this day would come, but I didn't realize it would be at such a young age. She's always asking lots of questions about God and where He lives. I think it just finally clicked for her.

To my sweet Sydney Kate. Today has been one of the best days of my life. What an honor and a privilege it was to lead you in prayer to ask Jesus into your heart. There is nothing in the world you could ever do that would bring me greater joy than to know you love Jesus. I pray that you will be sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading for your life. I know He is doing a great work in you because I see it in how you love people. You love to go up to people and ask them their names and just sit and talk with them. When you find out a friend is sick you stop and pray for them. You prayed over your friend Grace last week when she was sick. On the way to school last week an ambulance went by and you said, "Mommy, are we going to pray for them"? You told me to turn off the radio and I prayed and then you prayed too. I love your sensitive heart my baby. I pray that the Lord will bless you and keep you safe under the shadow of His wings. I love you so much.

Do not worry

This was my devotional today from "Jesus Calling" and it was too good not to post. I pray that if you are in a place of worry like I have been, to cast those over to the Lord. I am speaking from experience that there is such freedom in doing so. When those doubts and fears come in, replace them with what God's word says. This is something I am doing on a daily basis, hourly in fact. Remember that fear is never from the Lord. Satan will put those fears in your mind. If he can get you to believe them, then you will begin to act them out and he will have you in a place where you are in bondage to those fears. When you are in bondage to them, you can't fully see what the Lord has for you. The goodness and peace he can bring to you. This realization has helped me out immensely over the last few weeks.

F-False
E-Evidence
A-Appearing
R-Real

Sorry I can't get the print any bigger. Hopefully you can read it. Click on the devotional and it will make it bigger and easier to read.

Just Sad

This will be a short post because I'm just not mentally up for trying to write anything profound today. I'm just too sad. I miss my son. I miss my baby moving and kicking inside of me. Instead it's just still. I miss my growing belly, the heartburn, the many trips to the bathroom at night and the excitement on the girls faces as they talk about their baby brother. I'd give anything for them to be able to see my belly move all around as they lay their hands on my tummy. I miss the excitement of getting the nursery ready for my sweet boy. I see the blocks I bought when I was pregnant with him and the little blue piggy bank the girls picked out for their brother just sitting on the dresser.

The last week and a half my body has been through so much. I've been focused on my health that I really didn't have time to mourn. Now that I am feeling somewhat better it just all came flooding back today. There is an ache in my heart that time will never heal. If you've lost a child you know what I mean. Please don't get me wrong it does get better, I've experienced that with the loss of my daughter Zoe, but the void will always be there. It's hard not to live in the what if's? The why me? I choose not to stay there though because it will not help me heal. Heal is what I have to do for me and for my family. It will come in time and with alot of patience.

Dear Lord, I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my cry. I know you are near. Please bring my body and my soul peace today. The peace it so desperately needs. Turn my mourning into laughter. Give me hope in the waiting.

I leave you with this quote I heard this week. "Patience is not the ability to wait, it's how you act while you are waiting". Patience is a fruit of the spirit. The Vine's Expository Dictionary says this, "it is a fruit that only grows and develops under trial."

Going Deeper

I am on a journey. A journey that I would have never picked, but one that I have been chosen to walk. I will be honest in saying that I am in the hardest season of my life. I have never felt such pain and dispare as I have in the last 5 weeks. I am tired and my body is stressed to the max.

I have a choice. I can choose to sit in this mess and allow myself to go deeper into the pit or I can pull myself out and come out victorious. God has so much more for me, but it's gonna take a fight on my part. A battle takes place for my mind. Do I allow myself to let Satan get his foothold because something horrible has happened to me or do I allow God to take control? The answer is easy, the action is not. Like anything that's worth fighting for, I needed to develop a plan of action. My mind, body and spirit needs healing and rest.

So step one in this process for me is to give up t.v. Now this is a hard one. I like to watch t.v. When the girls go to bed, Brian and I usually sit down together and watch our shows we have recorded on DVR. I love to do this. It relaxes me and I get to spend time with my husband. This week, I really felt the Lord say to give this up for a time. So instead of watching t.v. I read or I go online and watch different sermons from some of my favorite teachers. I can't begin to tell you how much this has made a difference in my life. To be honest, I am not really missing t.v. In fact, last night Brian and I watched this video together. It was a great time to be fed the word of God and to be encouraged and we were able to still spend time together.

The first two minutes of this video made me cry. It was the inspiration I needed to keep me going. I wanted to share it with you. It's 28 minutes, but if you just have time to watch the first 2 minutes please do. I promise it's amazing. Click here and find the segment that says 9/11/2010- An Attitude of Trust & Patience- Part 2.

Psalm 31:14 & 15

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

What do you need to trust the Lord with today? I pray that you will be able to lay it at the foot of the cross and believe He will pull you out of whatever you are going through.

On the mend

I want to thank you again for all the sweet comments and prayers. It encourages my heart. I am slowly, but surely, healing. I mentioned that I had to have another test yesterday to rule out something else that I was concerned about and thankfully that test came back normal.

If you've been reading my blog for awhile you know that I have mentioned that I have a blood clotting gene called MTHFR. This gene was found after I suffered two early miscarriages. The protocol for this disorder is to take a baby aspirin once a day, something I do faithfully.

We still need to have our meeting with the high risk OB, but it is likely that Jonathan died due to a blood clot in the placenta. The baby aspirin just wasn't enough. Looking back I probably should have been on daily injections of blood thinners during pregnancy, but again with this gene, this wasn't the normal action the specialists take. Injections are usually for those who have Factor V, which I do not. Then the fact that he removed a huge clot out of my uterus on Thursday, we wanted to make sure I didn't have any blood clots in my legs after surgery. I had been having pains and throbbing sensation in my legs so we wanted to be on the safe side. Thankfully, no clots were found.

So I am doing better. Really trying to get some energy so I can start the healing process. My girls need their healthy mommy back. Yesterday when Sydney woke up from her nap I went in and laid with her. She said, "Mommy are you still sick". I said, "No honey. I am better". She screamed and cheered, "Yeah"! She was so excited. I asked her who healed me and she said, "Jesus and God". It was so cute. Sydney particularly has had a rough time. Whenever she sees my parents come over to the house the first thing she asks me is if I am staying or if I'm leaving. She has seen mommy leave so much lately and it scares her. So much for a 3 year old to take in.

I would appreciate your prayers for my girls. That the Lord would fill them with peace and that they would be able to express their feelings to us in the best way they know how. I want to talk through their fears with them so they don't keep them bottled up inside.

They have a half day at school today so I am off to pick them up. I can't wait to see them. After nap time I think I will take them to Target. They love to go there and play with the toys. I may even let them have a Slurpee.

Hangin in there

My eyes are back to normal. Thank the Lord! So glad that I can see without my vision being blurry. Thank you for your prayers.

The bright spot in my weekend was getting out with my sisters and mom. We were supposed to go to Atlanta this weekend for a girls getaway, but that came to a screeching halt when I had to go in for my D&C. I felt so bad. We had been planning this trip for awhile. We decided to make the best of it and still hang out. My sisters and mom went shopping in the morning and then had lunch. I was too tired to be out all day so I met them for dinner at Cheesecake Factory and then we came back to my house and watched a movie. Well not really a movie. It was Celine Dion's Documentary she did of her Taking Chances World Tour. We are all huge fans and it did not disappoint. It was great! If you are a Celine fan I highly recommend it.

It was good to get my mind off of things and be with my family. I'm still not feeling great, but I tried to make the best of it. It's nice to laugh for a change and not cry. There is such comfort in being with my sisters and my mom.

I will be heading back to the dr tomorrow to see if they can run another test. I will let you know what that is after the fact, but it's just something else since the surgery that I am concerned about. I have to be honest that this whole ordeal has caused me a lot of stress and worry. Worry is something I have dealt with since I was little. It used to bring on anxiety attacks. Not something I am proud of that's for sure. I am really trying to give my worries and fears over to the Lord and it's hard. Every time a fear comes into my mind, I stop and pray. I ask the Lord to take the fear and replace it with peace. I have probably had to do that 100 times today and that's no joke. My mind can just run wild with all the things that could be wrong. I hate it. It's not where the Lord wants me to be.

Today I opened up my "Jesus Calling" devotional and I couldn't believe what it said. I'm telling you if you don't have this devotional, please get it. You can buy it online to be delivered to your email each day. The cost for the whole year is $2. What a steal! You can get it here.

Here are just some excerpts from today's reading that hit home with me.

"There is a mighty battle going on for control of your mind. Heaven and earth intersect in your mind; the tugs of both spheres influence your thinking."

"As you concentrate on Me, My Spirit fills your mind with Life and Peace."

"Refuse to worry, because this form of worldliness will weigh you down and block awareness of My presence. Stay alert, recognizing the battle being waged against your mind."

Pretty, cool right? Thank you Lord for your perfect timing. Thank you that you hear the cries of your children and you meet us where we are.

Date night at the ER

I was thinking dinner and a movie for date night, instead we ended up at the ER. Not the way I had planned tonight, but then again nothing has gone as planned in the last 5 weeks. Today I started getting really blurry vision. Almost like there was something in my eye. I finally decided to go put some eye drops in my eyes and when I looked in the mirror, I almost fainted. My pupils were huge. Holy cow! Thankfully my parents were downstairs and I yelled for my dad. Sure enough they were dilated.

I called Brian at work and told him I wanted to go to the ER. He rushed home and we went. The dr asked me some questions and she figured out what had happened. Before surgery yesterday, they put a Scopolamine patch on behind my right ear. It's a patch to help with nausea after surgery. You can wear it up to 72 hours afterward. Well I forgot I still had it on and decided to take it off this morning. I remember the nurse saying I needed to wash my hands after I took it off. I did exactly that. However, I didn't wash my neck very well and I think I rubbed my neck then touched my eyes and it caused the dilation.

We just got home a little bit ago and I decided to hop on the computer to see if I could get some more information on this patch. Turns out that it causes blurred vision if you have a reaction to it. I think just having it on caused it. Another interesting fact is that this is the same medicine eye doctor's use to dilate your eyes. Go figure. Only I would have a reaction to this patch.

I told Brian when we got to the ER, that I didn't want to see the inside of a hospital for a very long time. I'm just completely worn out. It's all a little surreal really. Sometimes I can't believe that all of this has happened in the last month and other times it feels like it's been months. It's crazy how life can turn upside down in a matter of minutes.

I was laying in bed today and looked over at our wedding photo on the wall. I looked at this picture of two young adults with huge smiles on their faces so happy to be starting their lives together. They probably never would have guessed what the next 9 years of life would hold for them. All the years of infertility, finally getting pregnant with their miracle baby only to lose her at 21 weeks due to a freak accident. She got the cord wrapped around her neck in the womb. Thankfully 2 months later she got pregnant with another little girl and then another healthy girl entered the world 19 months later. How they desperately wanted to have another baby. In the next 2 years they would face 2 more early miscarriages. However, their sorrow turned to joy when they found out they were expecting again at the end of May. This time they just knew in their hearts it would be a boy. They had been praying for 2 years to have a son. They were right. They had a son. It just wasn't the way they had planned.

Funny thing about life is that you can make all the plans you want to and sometimes they turn out the way you want them too and sometimes they don't. I'm learning to accept that fact. I can't see the bigger picture right now in my sorrow, but I know God does. That's what I cling to. I trully find peace in that. It's not easy I admit. I am a worrier by nature and anyone that knows me well knows that. That's something I am really trying to work through with the Lord. It's exhausting to worry really, so why do I do it? I'd be rich if I knew the answer to that question, but I am bound and determined to be rid of the fear. A sweet friend came over yesterday and prayed for me before I left for the hospital. She said something that has stuck with me. She said, "When you get scared, reach out for the hem of His garment and hold on". I love that visual. My picture looks a little more like I'm holding on as he walks and I am being dragged along the ground like Indiana Jones behind a fast moving truck. At least there are no giant snakes or rats.

Home Resting

I am so glad to be home. I've been laying in bed snuggling up with my precious girls. Thank you so much for your prayers. I know I have already said that, but I will keep saying it because I am so thankful to you. Your prayers have sustained me.

I got to the hospital at 11:45 and didn't get back to the surgery unit until 1:15. I will be honest and say I was having a rough time holding it together emotionally. I was completely exhausted. We got to the waiting room and they told me that Brian would need to stay in the waiting room while they prepped me. The nurse took me back and got me behind the curtain and I lost it. I just cried. The nurse was so sweet and said, "Change of plans. Do you want me to go get your husband?" "Oh please yes", I said. I was so thankful Brian could be right by my side.

I read the chapter for the day in "Jesus Calling" which was awesome. If you don't have this devotional you should get it. It's amazing and has brought me such comfort since we lost Jonathan. Dr. T gave us his copy when we were leaving the hospital the day after I delivered. For 2 weeks straight every single day we read it, I was blown away by the message it brought us. It was like it was written for us. Today's was no exception.

Then Brian read Psalm 18 to me, all 50 verses of it. It's too long to post, but here are some of my favorite verses.

1 I love you, O LORD, my strength.

2 The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

3 I call to the LORD, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.

4 The cords of death entangled me;
the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the LORD;
I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.

The surgery went well. Brian told me it took a tad bit longer than he expected. He was starting to get nervous that Dr. T hadn't come out yet. Finally he did and told Brian that he was able to get the mass out. He told him it looked like there might have been a bit of left over placenta in there surrounded by a clot. He will send it to pathology so we can hopefully get a better clue as to what it was for sure and what caused it. Dr. T told Brian that in some women this is a one time thing and in other women it's an ongoing problem. I'm believing God that this was a one time thing and that I won't have to deal with this again. I go back in a week to follow up and talk to him more about what he found since I was out of it to talk to him myself.

I woke up around 3:30 in recovery and to be honest felt horrible. It was awful. Anesthesia and I are not good friends and I pray I never have to see him again. I'm really tired and a dealing with a little nausea, but so happy to be home. I am so thankful that the Lord answered my prayers and the prayers of His people for a safe surgery. I pray that I can get some rest and finally be able to recover and feel better.

I'm going to try to eat something for the first time today and go back to bed and get some rest. Thank you again for your prayers. Have a wonderful night. I know I plan too.

Surgery Update

First of all, I am overwhelmed and humbled by your kind words and prayers. I have read all of your comments and I can't thank you enough for going to the Father on my behalf. Thank you, Thank you.

Surgery will be scheduled for 2:30 (CST) today. I do have a bit of an update and some good news. My doctor called last night to tell me that my HCG levels came back at 4. Through all the years of infertility and loss, I never thought I would be so happy to hear that my HCG level was so low. For once 50,000 was not the number I desired. That would have meant a molar pregnancy a.k.a. Trophoblastic disease which is not something I, nor my doctor, wanted to have happen. I could tell by Dr. T's voice he was thrilled. Thank you Lord for answering that prayer.

There is however, still a huge mass in my uterus. What it is they don't know, but it has to come out. So Brian and I will head to the hospital this afternoon while the girls are in school. My prayer is that there will be minimal bleeding during the procedure, that they will get all of it, and that my recovery will be easy. It's been a long 5 weeks of feeling horrible and that's just physically. I want to start healing emotionally from the pain of losing my sweet son.

I want to share with you some scriptures that were prayed over me last night that brought me such peace. There may be someone reading this who is going through the same thing right now and you need physical healing. I pray these scriptures will speak to your heart and bring you peace.

Psalm 103:1-5
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 46:2-5
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.

I desperately need your prayers

I'm tired and don't have the energy to send out an email and make sure I get everyone included so this is the easiest way to let you know I am in urgent need of your prayers.

Complications have arose from my pregnancy with our son Jonathan. If you are reading my blog for the first time, I was 16 weeks pregnant with a baby boy, when we found out our baby's heart stopped beating. I was sent to the hospital to be induced and had our son on August 12th. You can read about that here.

I have not been feeling well physically since then. I'm extremely tired and have been having pains in my stomach. I won't go into too much detail but I knew something was wrong. I called Dr. T last night and he told me to come in today for an ultrasound.

The ultrasound showed very thick endrometrial lining and also what possibly looks to be small tumors. He explained that I could have Trophoblastic Disease of pregnancy. I'll let you all look that one up. I refrain because I just don't need to go there in my mind. What I do know is this. Tomorrow I will be admitted to the hospital for a D&C. This is not your typical D&C, is there really such a thing? It's much more complicated than that. My dr. wants to have a partner in the operating room with him, if that tells you anything. There is a risk of severe bleeding which would need a transfusion and worst case scenario, hysterectomy. I am believing neither of these things will happen.

Am I scared? Absolutely. Do I know the Lord can bring me peace. You bet I do, but it's only going to come through prayer. I would really appreciate it and I know so would Brian. Please pray for the girls. They know mommy doesn't feel good and it is scary because they don't really know what's going on. This morning when Sydney woke up the first thing she said, "Mommy are you still sick? Did your owie go away in your tummy"? I just told her not yet, but that Jesus was going to heal mommy.

I have dear friends coming to the house tonight to pray over me at 7:00. Would you pray with us wherever you are at 7:00 (CST)? Satan has to bow at the name of Jesus. He has no power or authority over Him. The enemy has been defeated, Praise God! Thank you so much. My story isn't done yet.

Psalm 91

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. [a]

2 I will say [b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

10 then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

16 With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."