100,000 and being real

As I look at my little page ticker dealy who, I can't believe I am 150 hits away from 100,000. That is crazy to me. I never thought anyone would read my blog, but my family and maybe a few friends. It started out as a way to chronicle my girls growing up because I was horrible at scrap booking. I still have never finished their baby books. Can anyone else relate?

I never would have imagined that the struggles and heartaches that I have been through would touch the hearts of those that read my blog. I'm glad my words can do that, because for me it helps me make sense of it all. I have to admit that I've been having a rough time lately. It seems I've had to deal with one loss after another this year and it's taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and just don't have tears left to cry. I could really use your prayers, especially during this holiday season and next month as I approach, what would have been, my delivery date of our son.

I can't put in to words just how much I miss him. This is not how I pictured Christmas to be this year. I thought I would be hugely pregnant and very uncomfortable, sitting around watching my girls open their presents and even letting them open some up for their baby brother. The nursery would have been ready by now with all of his little onsies washed and hanging in the closet. The cars seat would be in the van just in case I went into labor early. The girls would have their big sister shirts all ready to go and waiting for them to wear to the hospital. My bag would be packed and ready to go by the front door. The girls would snuggle up on the couch and touch my big belly and smile and laugh as their brother kicked inside mommy. Our family would finally be complete with the son that we had always wanted since having the girls.

I just don't get it. Why us again? Wasn't once enough? What did we do to deserve such pain? I know God understands these questions that I ask. I know that I may never get an answer to these questions this side of Heaven. I know His love for me goes deeper than I could ever comprehend and that His heart aches that I am in so much pain. I know all of this in my head, but my heart feels like it's been ripped in two.

Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond words with an amazing husband and two precious little girls. I am proud to be a wife and a mother. I know this season in my life will pass and the sun will shine again. God is still working on the ending to my story and I wait with anticipation to see how it will all unfold.

So thank you for reading my little blog. I am honored and humbled that you would take a few minutes out of your busy day to read what I have to say. Thank you for your prayers over the last few months. I cannot begin to express how that has touched my heart and soul. I want to post my devotion from Tuesday that was just so awesome that I had to share it with you. May it encourage you and bring joy to your heart.


The Holt's said...

I have been reading your blog for a few months now. I went out and bought this devotional book after I read a post from your blog. I had kept it in my car after purchasing it a few weeks ago and pulled it out on the 21st to read. i was desperate to hear from God after some bad news with my pregnancy. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I had a miscarriage in June and I am now 4 months pregnant. On Monday, I found out I was having the girl I always wanted but I also found out there were some complications. I was sent to the high risk dr. and it was confirmed that her heart is defective and she has a few signs that she has down syndrome. I had to do the amnio and we find out the results on Monday. I have been dealing with anger and guilt and this season is very difficult for me right now because I also have so much to be thankful for. I will keep you in my prayers and ask that you might do the same for me and our baby girl. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jaclyn said...

Will be praying for you!

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