Adoption

Early summer of 2004, during a routine ultrasound, I learned the amazing news I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After 3 years of infertility, and a failed IVF, I was pregnant with our miracle baby. The doctors told us we had no hope of conceiving on our own, but God had other plans.

My husband and I were thrilled, and like any soon to be parents, started talking about names and all the things we couldn't wait to buy. My pregnancy progressed with ease and at 21 weeks, we couldn't wait to hear if we were having a boy or a girl. At 1:30, on October 6, 2004 our world came crashing down.
I knew something was terribly wrong when our ultrasound tech said, "I'm seeing something I don't like. I am going to go get your doctor". She left the room and all I do was cry, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". My doctor came in and said, "Krista, I am so sorry.  There is no heartbeat." I went into shock. I couldn't cry. It was a very surreal moment. She told us I would have to deliver.

I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on October 8, 2005 at 5:30 am our daughter was born still. My doctor knew immediately what had caused her death.  The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. It was so tight that my doctor had to cut it off. We were crushed.

We hadn't decided on a name at that point and I remember a nurse coming in to ask us if we wanted to see a baby name book. I told her we would. I found the name Zoe which I thought was perfect for her. It meant "Life". We decided on her middle name to be Renae which means "Reborn". She was "Life Reborn." So fitting for her.  She was reborn into the arms of Jesus where she would have eternal life. Brian and I got to hold her and our families got to see her and say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know, that more pain would be in store for us, just 6 years later.

Brian and I had always dreamed about having a big family. We both come from families with 4 children. I have 3 sisters and Brian has 2 brothers and a sister. By the time Sydney was 2 we started trying again. I suffered 2 very early miscarriages in June of 2008 and January of 2009. In May of this year we learned we were pregnant again. We had been praying for a boy and I just knew when I found out I was pregnant, that it was a boy. By the time I got past the first trimester, I was feeling pretty positive. I had to believe that I would have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

One night, just 2 days shy of 16 weeks, I was using my doppler at home when I had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat. Normally this would take me a minute or two to find, but I searched for what seemed like an hour and couldn't find it. I started to panic. I knew in my heart something was wrong.

The next morning I called my OB and told him what was going on and he said to come in for an ultrasound.
I couldn't look at the screen. I was terrified. Then he said he saw the heartbeat. I was relieved, until he said, "but something is not right. There is an arrhythmia." He sent me immediately to my high risk OB for him to look at. Once again, fear and shock set in. I couldn't believe this was happening. Why us again?

When we got to the high risk OB, I was given an ultrasound. I knew right away. The tech said, "I'll be right back". Flashbacks of what happened with Zoe flooded my mind. I began to sing, "Father I adore you and
I lay my life before you, how I love you." Brian sang with me. We just kept singing until the doctor came in. I looked at him and said, "We know". That was it. I know he was incredibly sad for us. It was written all
over his face. Once again I couldn't cry. I was numb. Again, Lord? Why?

I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on August 12, 2010, my son was born. He was precious and perfect. He looked like his daddy and his PeePaw, (Brian's dad who he lost this past January). My doctor
suspected a blood clot in the placenta which, after testing, turned out to be correct. We had our son. We named him Jonathan Andrew. Jonathan means "Gift of God" and Andrew means "warrior". We named him after Jonathan in the Bible and Andrew is a family name on my husband's side. It was perfect.

My story has been filled with unbelievable heartache, but I choose to trust and believe in a God that knows how the story ultimately ends. I have the amazing privilege to be a mom of 4 children. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth. I wouldn't trade that for the world.