A Day of Mourning

I was supposed to do an update tomorrow about week 16 of my pregnancy. That will not happen. I can't believe I am even typing this. It's all too surreal. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to find it was all a dream.

I have a doppler at home. A very good one. One that I used with my pregnancies with Brooklyn and Sydney. After we lost our sweet Zoe, I needed to have that when I was pregnant with Brooklyn to be reassured on days I was having a rough time believing she would be ok.

I flew home yesterday from a great weekend in California. I was anxious to get home and use the doppler so I could hear my baby's heartbeat. Usually it only takes a minute or two to find it, but yesterday that didn't happen. I tried for over an hour several time throughout the afternoon and evening. Even Brian tried and we just couldn't hear it. I really started to get nervous. I knew I would call the dr in the morning to go in and see if they could find it.

I knew in my heart something was wrong. I went to see my doctor around 9:30 this morning and the ultrasound showed our baby alive. The heartbeat was showing signs of arrhythmia and so my doctor sent me directly to my high risk OB.

When I got to the office of our high risk OB they took us back to the ultrasound room. The tech proceeded to look over the baby. Brian and I both strained to see if there was a heartbeat and we saw none. She zoomed in and I saw stillness. She then left the room. Flashbacks of almost 6 years ago flooded my mind and I couldn't cry. I couldn't believe the similarities.

I started to sing, "Father I adore you and I lay my life before you, how I love you". Then we sang, "I love you Lord and I lift my voice to worship you oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king in what you hear and may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear". Brian and I just sang quietly to our Lord. It was a sweet time.

The doctor walked in and I just said, "We Know". He just kept saying how sorry he was. He is such a sweet man and I knew he truly meant it.

My next question, like I did with Zoe was, "What's next"? I just had to know. Could they do a D&C? He said that I was too far along for that. Oh Lord no. Not again. Please God. My next question was if I had to have a c-section because that is what I had had with the girls. Thankfully he said no.

I have done alot of crying and questioning why? It just doesn't make sense. Why us? Why another child? I know that God understands these questions and that they are ok to ask. I know there will be more questions to come. For now I rest in the One who holds all the answers.

I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning at 7:30. We were hoping to get into the hospital today but there were no rooms available. God's timing is perfect and I rest in that. I would love your prayers for the delivery. I have an idea of what to expect, but I know anything can happen. Pray specifically for no side effects from the epidural, that the baby would come out easily with no need for lots of pushes and for a speedy recovery for me physically. I will experience all the things that any woman would experience after delivery, all without the joy of holding my newborn.

Tomorrow I will have the privilege and the honor of introducing you to my new son or daughter. One who was so loved by mommy, daddy, and two sisters.

Please be in prayer for the girls as they process this all. Sydney keeps saying, "I don't want the baby to die". She says it over and over. We have just told the girls that the baby is with Jesus and Zoe in Heaven.

Thank you to my family, friends and blog friends who have prayed and offered their love and support. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me and my family.

Blessings to you all.


Rachel said...

Absolutely horrible..... I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. I will pray for you all.

Jess :) said...

PRAYING for each one of you. I'm hoping you saw my comment on the post below. You didn't have this up when I stopped here to write you a note. I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about you and will continue praying.

Continue resting in His perfect plan

Chrissie said...

I'm shedding tears as a read about how you and Brian and the girls are grieving. I am so moved by your beautiful faith in our Sovereign God. Know that I am praying and grieving with you.
Grace and peace to you. I love you so much.

Anonymous said...


I got this email on my phone, and could hardly breathe! I am so sorry for your loss, and wish that I could just be there to hug you, and pray for you. We are on our way out to our home fellowship, and I will be sure to lift you, and your family up in prayer tonight. We don't understand why this happened, and am in complete disbelief. I love you, and am here praying for you.

Love your friend,


Mr. and Mrs. Smith said...

I am so sorry - this is such sad news. My thoughts and prayers are with you today, tomorrow, and in the weeks to come.

Anonymous said...

I am so, so sorry. I have no other words to offer you other than I will pray for you and your family. My God grant you the strength you need to face tomorrow.

The Beals said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I came across your blog thru a friend of mine who is also an angel baby mom. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this sad time.

Teresa said...

Krista, I am so terribly sorry. I am so so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you and I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

I will be adding your blog to Playing With Angels right after I type this. I just started last night, Little Ones to Him Belong Wednesday so that I can help lift sweet sweet mothers, babies, and families in prayer as they are suffering.

Shelly said...

Krista - I am so sorry for your loss. May God surround you with His perfect peace tomorrow and in the days to come.

Kelly said...

I am so so sorry. I am praying for you and your family! May God give you peace and comfort!

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Oh Krista, my heart aches for you and your cute family as your prepare to say goodbye to another sweet child much too soon. We knelt in prayer for you tonight and asked that all of you may have the strength and peace you will need to face tomorrow.
I too know that God's plan for you is perfect and beautiful, but that doesn't make it easy. I'm so sorry for your loss.
Please let us know what we can do for you, you will surely be in our prayers.
I love you.

Melissa, Multi-Tasking Mama said...

I am so sorry! Praying for you as you travel this difficult road and thankful that one day you will be reunited and all your daughters will be together...(((hugs)))

Shanon said...

Krita, my heart hurts for you, Brian & the girls. I'm praying for you and wishing I were there to hug you! You are a beautiful woman inside and out & I'm so sorry you are having to go through this again. Many prayers dear friend!!

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you Krista. We prayed several times for you, Brian, Brooklyn and Sydney last night. May the Lord's peace and love cover you this morning.

Anonymous said...

Krista, Although I do not know you I pray for your strength and a perfect peace in Him... May the Lord be with you... Jacqueline Friesen

Elisabeth said...

Krista there are no words that can possibly express how sorry I am. I know exactly how you feel. My sweet Lukas Ethan was born unto heaven on October 22, 2009 when I was 14 weeks along due to placental abruption.

Praying for all of you.

Beth said...

I'm praying for you and your family.

Mama Bonn said...

Please know that your family is in my prayers. May God give you peace and comfort and carry you through this.

~Jenn said...

You and your family are in our prayers.

Tina said...

Having a daughter in heaven, I always try to find something simple that works for me to make life on earth easier.

So, Maybe sweet Zoe just needed a sibling in heaven. Maybe since you have 2 girls on earth, it was Zoe's turn. I believe you will be blessed at some point with a baby for earth


Kelly O'Neill said...

Krista, my husband Nate Bailey, sent me to your blog. Pregnant myself, I cannot imagine the pain you're going through, but I know that our Lord does and He will be your comfort.

Our tears are seen by Him and our pain is felt by Him.

I have created a painting called "Mine For a Moment" that speaks to life, love, and letting go. Nate and I donate lithographs of it to people who are struggling with loss.

If you would like one, please contact me through the website: http://MineForAMoment.com and we'll get one to you, or anyone to who reads this who has dealt with a similar situation.

Nate knows Brian through Premiere Speakers Bureau and he could bring it by the office.

You are in our prayers,

Kelly O'Neill

Erica said...

So sorry to hear about your families loss and your complications afterwards. I just read on Kelly's blog about you and came to send a prayer. My sister lost her first baby boy just a few weeks ago, she was 24 weeks along. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I am just the aunt. Prayers for you and your family to find peace and also for your body to heal!



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