First time ever I saw your face

We had prayed for an easy delivery with our son just liked we did when I had to deliver Zoe. God showed up again and answered that prayer. I had gotten my epidural first thing in the morning and then they gave me some morphine to make me relaxed so I could get some sleep. Relaxed is not the word. I would say "Out if it" was more like it. It was actually nice because it gave me a break from crying. It was weird not to be able to cry while the drug was in my system.

Sometime around 3:00 pm my nurse Julie, who was awesome, came to check me and when she did my water broke. I was 5 to 6 centimeters dilated. She said it wouldn't be long and I probably wouldn't have to be all the way to 10 to have the baby.

At that time I was so thirst and my mouth felt like cotton. I asked Brian to get me a popsicle. Half way through eating it I started shaking uncontrollably. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I hated it. This went on for about 40 minutes. I prayed that it would stop. Finally it did. Julie said that it was normal and it could mean my body was in transition and getting ready to deliver.

I have Pandora downloaded on my iPhone and I listened to Christian music the whole time I was in labor. I needed to have the encouragement of the words to know that I was not alone. I felt the Lord in that room. I wanted to have praise music on when our baby was born.

When Julie came to check on me again just right before 5:00, I felt my baby come out. No pain, just peace. Thank you Lord for answering that prayer. Julie took our baby over to the isolate and cleaned him off. She got him ready for us.

Before we went to the hospital that morning I told Brian that I didn't want to see the baby. This was not like me as I so desperately wanted to see Zoe when she was born. I think I was still in shock and thought seeing him would make it worse. I am so glad I changed my mind. Around 8:00pm Julie brought our son into the room. He was wrapped in a yellow crocheted tiny blanket. I asked her to give him to Brian first. Brian held him and my heart broke in two. I just sobbed. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I know I keep saying it but it's so true. I ached for my son and for my sweet husband.

Brian said, "He has the Lord chin". We call that the booty butt chin. Brian and Sydney both have it. He handed me Jonathan and I couldn't believe it. There it was so easy to see. Oh thank you Lord. His eyes were opened ever so slightly. He was precious and he was my son. I will never forget his face as long as I live.

I wanted to sing him his first lullaby. I started to sing, "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me the Bible tells me so". Brian and I sang to our son through the tears. What a moment for us to have with him. We then sang another song to him in French. It was a song that Brian has been singing to me since before we got married when we were just dating. I was on the road at the time as a Christian artist and on a big tour. We rarely saw each other so our nighttime calls became something we looked forward too. I remember I would lay in my bunk on the bus and he would sing it to me before we prayed. Of course I can't speak a lick of French but over the years from hearing it so much, now I can sing it. We sing it to the girls and now they both can sing it as well.

I will keep the name of the song just between us because it is so special to me, but I am thankful that Brian and I had that time alone with our firstborn son. I wanted to make sure he heard his mommy and daddy's voices before we let him go. I remember giving him back to our nurse and just crying. No parent should ever have to give up their child. It's just plain cruel.

The girls came to visit us and it was so nice to have them in the room. I had always pictured them coming to the hospital in their shirts that said "Big Sister" on it. Then they would look at their baby brother and fight over who would hold him first. Then they would hop up in the bed and my family would take a picture of the new family of 5. Unfortunately that was not in the Lord's plan this day. Oh I pray that that picture will come soon.


Jess :) said...

Tears in my eyes...

What a special time you were able to have with Jonathan. May you hold that in your hearts...ALWAYS.

Prayers continuing for ALL of you.

Anonymous said...

Just tears....praying for you.

Heather Greene said...

So glad you changed your mind and experienced that precious, unforgettable time together...

The Lane Family said...

I know that feeling of saying hello and goodbye at the same time. This post brought tears to my eyes.

We pray for a happy, healthy boy to enter your life!!!

Emily Echols said...

Thanks for visitng my blog today. I am so sorry for your lose. I read your blog and pray that God is sustaining yu and strengthening you through this time. You have a beauitful family.

Shanon said...

Still praying for you and the family. Thank you for being so transparent in your blog, I cry along with you everytime I read a new post. I love you friend and I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family again. I'm glad you got that sweet moment with Brian and Jonathan.

Anonymous said...

krista, hey ... this is angela ward from Dr N's office... i have been following your blog ever since we talked about all of your great recipes- but I did not expect to read what i did when i opened your blog page this week. I felt like we were just talking about our little ones... and our excitement. I am so sorry you have had to walk through this again but thank you for sharing your testimony... your faith is amazing. I am praying for you !
love angela ward ( )

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Thank you for sharing those precious moments you shared with Jonathan with us. I had a feeling of peace come to me as I pictured you and Brian there holding your precious, perfect son. It is so hard to see daddy's have to let there sons go too soon.
My heart and my arms ache for you as I know yours are aching worse. You have been in our daily prayers, and I only wish I were closer to "do" something more. Please know you are loved!

Anonymous said...

Hi Krista,

My name is Julie and I am a 22 year old from Canada. I just found your blog through Kelly's Korner and I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you... I was reading your blog and noticing a lot of similarities in names - my brother is Andrew, like Jonathan's middle name, I'm Julie, like the nurse, and one day when I have a little girl I want to name her Zoe - and I want her middle name to be Sydney (where my boyfriend is from in Australia) :) Sometimes these little things really catch your attention :)

All my love goes out to you, your husband, and your four beautiful children... You have so much strength.

I am praying for a successful surgery & speedy recovery for you and that Jonathan and Zoe are together in Heaven taking care of each other and doing the things siblings do until they see their mommy, daddy and sisters again!

All my love, all the way from Toronto! Love, Julie

Anonymous said...

It's Julie again! One more MAJOR similarity - our last name. Small world! :)

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