Remembering my son. A fathers viewpoint.

Today Brian blogged about our son and I wanted you all to read it. It was a fresh new prospective that I had never really thought of and it has encouraged me throughout the day. So blessed to have my amazing husband walking this journey with me. I love you honey.

Remembering Our Baby Jonathan

We lost our son-to-be Jonathan a few weeks ago. I was having dinner with a group of friends with whom I'd just gone on a mission trip to Haiti, when Krista texted me that she wanted me to come home a little early because something had come up. I got home, and she said that she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the home doppler she had. The next morning we went in to the doctor's office, and we were happy to see the heart beat. And then we didn't see it. And then we did see the heart beat again, but faintly. The doctor said we should go right over to the high-risk OB. An hour later we were in his office, with the tech running the ultrasound. After about 30 seconds, the tech stood up and excused herself to get the doctor, which reenacted the scene from about 6 years ago when we lost Zoe. She couldn't find the heartbeat, so she was going to get the doctor to tell us we'd lost the baby. That really sucked.

The baby was big enough that we still had to deliver him. We tried getting into the hospital that day, but since most c-sections are planned for Tuesdays, trying to get into a hospital on a Tuesday or Wednesday for a non-emergency delivery is just about impossible. We were able to get in on Thursday at 7AM. Krista still had to do an epidural and all the other things that go along with a delivery. About 10 hours later, our little boy was born. The nurse cleaned him up and we were both able to hold him. We have three songs we sing to our girls just about every night, Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, and a little French lullaby. We wanted to sing to him at least once before we gave him back.

The funny thing is that babies at that stage don't have all the baby fat but they do have the facial bone structure, so they almost look like little adults, or, to be a bit crass but descriptive, about the same size and weight as action figures. I held him and saw that he had the Lord 'booty booty butt' chin, as we call it, and said to myself, "Wow, am I making this up, or does he look like my dad?". A few seconds later, Krista said, "He looks like your dad!"

We named him Jonathan Andrew Lord. Krista's dad's name is John, I really like David's friend Jonathan from the Bible, and both Jonathan and Andrew are family names. Krista was adamant that it not be a city name. It wasn't intended at the time, but I think that works out really well. Brooklyn and Sydney were made to be part of this world-at least for a time- and you can't get more temporal than city names. Zoe Renae ("Life, Reborn") and Jonathan Andrew ("God has given Man, or Manly") are much more spiritually focused, which makes sense, as they skipped earth and were made for heaven.

One of the things we struggled with a bit with Zoe is that we miss her, but if she had been, our daughter Brooklyn wouldn't have been. I'd mentioned Jonathan was one of my favorite men in the Bible, and that's because he was such a great friend and the very definition of personal sacrifice. He knew that David should be king, but since he, Jonathan, was the heir to the throne, he would have to die in order for David to become king. And even knowing that full well, Jonathan still did everything he could in order to help and protect David. Its impossible to know God's plan, but if we were to get pregnant again soon, it would mean that we couldn't have had both Jonathan and another baby, that again another Jonathan made way for someone else.

I thought it was good that we were able to be with him at the end, so to speak, to see his last few heartbeats. And after three girls, we were able to have a boy. There are some things we do miss, little coincidences that you see and hope for and think "Oh, that will be cool," but now are lost. My dad passed away on January 15, 2010 and Jonathan was due to be born in January 2011- like one person in the family was lost, but another came in almost exactly a year later. Also, Krista's sister's due date was within just a couple days of hers, and we were excited about these two cousins being great friends like their older siblings are.

But there are some coincidences that are good. As I mentioned, my dad passed away in January, and this August was feeling a little rough for me, as my dad always made it a point to come down to visit us for my birthday in mid-August. But it was neat that a 'little Steve' still showed up for me. Plus, Jonathan, Brooklyn and I all have birthdays within 2 weeks.

This has definitely been a sad time, but I'm not mad in the least. I don't think 'why me?' or 'why us?'. This is part of our story, of what makes us who we are. I still think I live a charmed life, I'm incredibly blessed, and that God's plan is perfect. I do know His plan is beyond me, but that my life is His to use how he wants to. I'm blessed.