Beyond Words Designs

I mentioned my new friend Stephanie a few weeks ago, after meeting her at Blissdom.  We instantly connected.  We both know the heart wrenching loss of a baby.  When she was 24 weeks pregnant with her fourth child, she was told her unborn daughter wouldn't likely make it to the third trimester, let alone go full term. You can read Amelia's story here.   

Stephanie is an amazing artist and she has turned her pain and grief into a ministry to bless others.  When I met her at Blissdom, Stephanie gave me this necklace.  I love it.  In fact, Sydney has taken a liking to it as well and wants to wear it all the time.

She has a brand new shop on her blog.  It's filled with beautiful necklaces and paintings.  This is another one of my favorites.  It's entitled "Gone Too Soon".

"Reaching Out" would be beautiful hung in a delivery room, don't you think?  This painting celebrates the beauty of pregnancy and bringing forth life.

She also donates her Art Cards to hospitals for their memory boxes they give to grieving families after they have lost a baby.  If you know of a hospital that would love to include some of her artwork, please contact steph@beyondwordsdesigns.com  I know that I was so glad that I received a box for both of my babies when I left the hospital.  It was something tangible I could hold on to. 

If you know someone who is pregnant, Stephanie's art would make an amazing shower gift.  She is offering free shipping and a special surprise gift on all of her necklaces if you order before April 30th.  It would make a wonderful Mother's Day gift.  There are so many great prints it will be hard to choose. 

Making a connection

I wanted to introduce you to some of my new friends I met at Blissdom.  I decided I would do this in sections because I really wanted to introduce you to them and share a little bit about each one.  When you have a moment, check out their blogs.  You will be glad you did.   

If you've been a reader for some time, you know I don't shy away from talking about our infertility journey or the loss of our daughter Zoe and son Jonathan.  This little blog has become a place of healing for me and maybe, just maybe, it will help a few out there that are going through the same journey.

It all started at breakfast.  There was a sea of about 25 round tables in a large ballroom.  I picked a table at random and starting eating.  I sat quietly as I ate and couldn't help but over hear the conversation going on across the table.  All it takes are words like "infertility" or "I lost a baby" for my ears to perk up.  Combine that with talk of natural and whole food eating and I could barely sit any longer in my chair.  As soon as their conversation ended I made my way over and introduced myself to Donielle who writes at Naturally Knocked Up. 

Seriously, how cool is that name?  I love it.  We talked and talked and were eventually late to our morning session, but I don't think either of us cared.  Our journey through infertility started the connection and then she shared with me that she had lost a baby recently.  I could so relate.  I remember being at Blissdom last year on my due date with Jonathan.  It was not easy.  You see a place like Blissdom brings out all the pregnant women and those with babes on their hips.  It's awesome to see, but can be painful if you've lost a baby.  During our conversation Donielle, told me about someone I just had to meet. 

Her name was Stephanie from at Beyond Words Designs.  I made it my mission to track her down.  This is not easily done with over 700 bloggers in a hotel that is the size of a small country.  I couldn't have done it without Donielle's help.  She was able to find Stephanie so I could sit down and talk with her.  Thanks Donielle.

If you could only picture the surroundings in which our face to face meeting took place.  Large ballroom, incredibly loud music and a dance floor with about 100 women all dancing.  We sat on the floor Indian style like two little 5 year old girls and we talked and talked.  We cried. I am sure there were a few women who were sitting and staring and wondering just how someone could be crying with "Baby's Got Back" playing in the background.  You see I really didn't care about what was going on around me.  I had made a connection to someone so deep I could feel her pain.  It was my pain.

I learned she is an amazing artist.  Just take a look.  This is just one of her painting.  Simply beautiful.

This one spoke to me.  I remember leaving the hospital after losing Zoe and then Jonathan and still physically looking like I was still pregnant with no babe inside.  I love how she is reaching towards the heavens and holding her belly.  It's as if she's saying, "Oh sweet babe, how I miss you.  I long to be with you, but I know you are in the arms of Jesus until I can see you again.

Stephanie has used her pain to bring meaning to her daughter's death.  You can read about Amelia's story here and see how you can get involved to help bring healing to others.

Sitting next to Stephanie was Adrienne from Another Ordinary Miracle.  I have followed Adrienne's blog for about 2 years and really connected with her because she had gone through infertility just like I had.  I was familiar with her incredible story, but had never met her in real life, even though we both live in the same town.  I cannot tell you how many times I prayed for her sweet baby boy to live and thrive and he's doing just that, as you can see.

It was an honor to meet her and as we talked we realized we shared the same doctor.  Such a small world.  If you have never been to her blog, you must go check it out.  You will be amazed at how God took their family from 1 to 4 in 1 year.  To God be the Glory!

These are just a few of the women I had the chance to hang out with at Blissdom.  Tomorrow I will introduce to some more.  I can't wait for you to meet them. 

Remembering My Son

Dearest Jonathan,

My son.  Oh how I miss you from the depths of my soul.  My heart aches for you.  I can't believe it's been 1 year since I held you and looked into your little eyes.  You reminded me so much of your daddy and your big sister Brooklyn, with your little dimpled chin.  You got the Lord chin you know.  You were so beautiful.  It was just too soon sweet boy.

Your daddy and I and your sisters had prayed and prayed for you.  You were the answers to our prayers.  I don't know why you had to leave us and I wish I could have protected you.  We had so many plans for you.  I wish so much you could've met your big sisters.  You would have love playing with them.  They are truly amazing and they've kept your daddy and me going this past year.

What is Heaven like my son?  I imagine you and Zoe holding hands walking through streets of gold or sitting on Jesus lap.  I look forward to the day that we are reunited as one big family.  How sweet that will be.  Until then my boy, know that I love you dearly and miss you.  You will always be a part of my heart and our family.  Kiss your sissy for me tonight.

Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy

Shackles-Part 1

shack·le (shkl)
n.
1. A metal fastening, usually one of a pair, for encircling and confining the ankle or wrist of a prisoner or captive; a fetter or manacle.
2. A restraint or check to action or progress.

This defines how I feel.  I am a prisoner to my own hopelessness and I need to break free from the chains.  It's no coincidence that as I was driving to Panera to spend sometime by myself and to blog (thanks honey for watching the girls) that the song "Shackles" (Praise You) by Mary Mary came on the radio.  The tears came flooding down my cheeks and I couldn't help but raise my hands in worship.  Now, if you've heard this song you know it's not a weepy song, but a get off your toosh kinda song and get to dancin'.  That's usually how I feel when I hear this song, but not tonight.  Somehow I connected to that song from the deepest part of my being.  In case you've never heard Shackles before, I wanted to post some of the lyrics.  The second verse is what hit home with me tonight.  You can watch the video by Mary Mary here. 

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it anymore


Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you


Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

I think I say on a daily basis to God, "I just can't take it anymore."  Something has to change.  I'm gonna be transparent here and say that I am tired of feeling depressed, anxious and downright awful.  Now I know there are things that have happened to me/us in the last year (losing my father-in-law, my son, my grandma and my health declining) that would warrant all of these feelings, but the truth is I no longer want to stay "there".  God doesn't want me staying there either.  He wants me living the life that He intended me to live.  I'm reminded of a verse that sits by my kitchen sink (Thanks Jen Pen) that says, "I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.  Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.  Psalm 27:13-14

My hope is that I will soon see the goodness He has in store for me.  Stay tuned tomorrow for Part 2 -The list of things that have become my shackles.

Birds, Butterflies and Cicadas, Oh My!

Yes, I am still alive.  I am so sorry I haven't blogged in over a week.  Last week was a rough one for me.  I want to thank you for your prayers for my dear friend and her husband.  Their sweet baby went to be with Jesus on Saturday.  I can't tell you the pain and heartache I feel for them.  I am just so deeply sad.  I know they have a long road ahead of them for healing.  Please continue to keep them in your prayers.

It is hot here in Nashville.  It's been in the 90's so the girls and I have been spending alot of time at the pool.  Today we went to our gym pool for swim team practice in the morning and then we went to our neighborhood pool this afternoon.  The girls are wiped out.  Sydney was in bed by 7:45.  We have a play date at the pool in the morning, so we'll be back at it bright and early.  It's nice because the girls both know how to swim, so it's much easier and alot more fun for me this year.

In other news, we are in Cicada h**l around here.  In case you've never lived in the south or on the east coast, this is what a Cicada looks like.

Due Date

Hand in hand I walk into the maternity wing of the hospital with my hubby. We are both smiling from ear to ear. Today is the day I will give birth to our son. We are overjoyed. We have prayed for over two years for a son and today we will see his sweet face.

I can't wait for the girls to meet their brother. For 9 months that is all they have been talking about. They have felt him kick inside of me and have sung to him everyday. Their "Big Sister" shirts are laid out on their beds all ready to go. They are so excited. Nana and Papa will bring them to the hospital in just a few hours. I can't believe we'll soon be a family of 5. I know some people say it's difficult to go from 2 to 3 children, but I say bring it on.

Family and friends start arriving at the hospital waiting to meet our bundle of joy. I'm given my epidural and wheeled back into the operating room where I will have my c-section. It's old hat since I've been down this road twice before. Brian comes walking in with his blue jumpsuit on looking oh so dapper. He squeezes my hand ever so gently and says, "I love you babe and I'm so proud of you". I start to shake with the anticipation of finally, well that and the fact that I can't feel my body from my chest down. Finally after all the tugging and pulling my dr shouts, "Congratulations, it's a boy". I hear those tiny little cries as he lifts my son over the blue drape so I can see his face. He is perfect and he is beautiful and most importantly, he is mine.

Then I wake up.

Tears begin to flow.

It was only a dream.

It was not meant to be.

You see, I delivered my son, Jonathan, stillborn on August 12, 2010, not January 27, 2011. I would have never guessed back in May when I learned I was pregnant that today I would be lying in a bed in a hotel room instead of in the hospital.

I am thrilled to be at Blissdom, but it is bitter sweet. It's a reminder to me that I do not have my baby boy. God knew all this. He knows my future and He loves me so. That is what I cling to. My hope is that one day this will not be a dream. It will be reality.

A Christmas of Firsts

This Christmas was incredibly hard. I think our most difficult ever to be honest. It was a Christmas of firsts.


First Christmas without PeePaw, Brian's dad.
First Christmas without our son Jonathan. I would have been 8 months pregnant.
First Christmas without my grandma. She passed away just a few short weeks ago.


I wasn't looking forward to this day, but I didn't really have a choice. The girls insisted the holidays go on and that's just what we did. For them we celebrated.

Christmas Morning


Waiting to come downstairs......

After opening up our presents, we headed up to Indiana.......

Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow.....

Praying for an awesome 2011!

Giveaway

Sorry I've been MIA for the last few days, but I had a good reason. Brian and I got to get away for the weekend, thanks to my parents and sisters who watched the girls. It was much overdue and we had a blast. We went here. Have you been? It was amazing. Brian and I had never been to Asheville, NC and since it's only about 5 hours from Nashville, we thought it would be a great place to spend some time together. Here is the Biltmore at night. It's quite breathtaking. I will be posting more photos later this week once I've had some time to get them downloaded.

On another note, I am doing my first giveaway on my blog and I am so excited about it. I got a chance to read an awesome book this weekend and I cannot tell you how much it has ministered to me. I felt a real connection with the author and her story. The name of the book is "And Then You Were Gone", by Becky Avella.
I am praying that the Lord knows just the right person who needs to read this book. If you would like to win a copy of this book, please leave me a comment. All you have to say is that you would love to read the book. That's it. Super simple. The comments are numbered and on Wednesday morning, I will have Brooklyn draw a number out of a hat. Maybe it will be you. If you know someone who has suffered a pregnancy loss, please tell them to stop by and enter to win. I know it will minister to their heart.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Thank you to all the women who shared their story on my blog. I found it comforting to read your stories. Your stories gives other women, who have suffered the same loss, a sense that they are not alone in their journey. I was telling a dear friend of mine who called me yesterday, how I feel a sense of community with women who have lost a child. She understood because she lost her son Max just a year before I lost Zoe. There is such comfort in talking with her because she knows exactly how I feel. Thank you Jen for your words of encouragement to me. They penetrated my soul. Love you sweet friend.

I wanted to share a video of my sisters and I singing on Thursday night. It was so fun to be reunited with them. It had been 5 long years since we had been on the road. Thursday night the stage felt like home once again. This is one of my favorite songs to sing and one of the most requested songs when we did our concerts back in the day. I hope you enjoy it. So you know who is singing; from left to right is Rachelle, Me, Heather and Stacy.


We've got a fun filled weekend planned with the girls and thankfully it's supposed to be a beautiful Fall weekend. What do you have planned this weekend?

We Remember

Today I remember my daughter and my son, both are in the arms of Jesus. I would like to share with you their stories.

Early summer of 2004, during a routine ultrasound, I learned the amazing news I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After 3 years of infertility,
and a failed IVF, I was pregnant with our miracle baby. The doctors told us we had no hope of conceiving on our own, but God had other plans.
My husband and I were thrilled, and like any soon to be parents, started talking about names and all the things we couldn't wait to do. My pregnancy
progressed with ease and at 21 weeks, we couldn't wait to hear if we were having a boy or a girl. At 1:30, on October 6, 2004 our world came crashing down.

I knew something was terribly wrong when our ultrasound tech said, "I'm seeing something I don't like. I am going to go get your doctor". She left the room and
all I could say was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". My doctor came in and said, "Krista, I am so sorry there is no heartbeat." I went into shock. I couldn't cry. It was
the strangest feeling. She told us I would have to deliver.

I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on October 8, 2005 at 5:30 am our daughter was born still. My doctor knew immediately what had caused her death.
The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. It was so tight that my doctor had to cut it off. We were crushed.

We hadn't decided on a name at that point and I remember a nurse coming in to ask us if we wanted to see a baby name book. I told her we would. I found the name
Zoe which I thought was perfect for her. It meant "life". We decided on her middle name to be Renae which means "reborn". She was "life reborn." So fitting for her.
She was reborn into the arms of Jesus where she would have eternal life. Brian and I got to hold her and our families got to see her and say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know, that
more pain would be in store for us, just 6 years later.

Brian and I had always dreamed about having a big family. We both come from families with 4 children. I have 3 sisters and Brian has 2 brothers and a sister. By the time Sydney was
2 we started trying again. I suffered 2 very early miscarriages in June of 2008 and January of 2009. In May of this year we learned we were pregnant again. We had been praying for a boy and
I just knew when I found out I was pregnant, that it was a boy. By the time I got past the first trimester, I was feeling pretty positive. I had to believe that I would have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

One night when I was using my dopplar, which I would do on occasion, I had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat. Normally this would take me a minute or two to find, but I searched for what seemed
like an hour and couldn't find it. I started to panic. I knew in my heart something was wrong. The next morning I called my OB and told him what was going on and he said to come in for an ultrasound.
I couldn't look at the screen. I was terrified. Then he said he saw the heartbeat. I was relieved, until he said, but something is not right. There is an arythmia. He sent me immediately to my high risk OB
for him to look at. Once again, fear and shock set in. I couldn't believe this was happening. Why us again?

When we got to the high risk OB, I was given an ultrasound. I knew right away. The tech said, "I'll be right back". Flashbacks of what happened with Zoe flooded my mind. I began to sing, "Father I adore you and
I lay my life before you, how I love you." Brian sang with me. We just kept singing until the doctor came in. I looked at him and said, "We know". That was it. I know he was incredibly sad for us. It was written all
over his face. Once again I couldn't cry. I was numb. Again, Lord? Why?

I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on August 12, 2010, my son was born. He was precious and perfect. He looked like his daddy and his PeePaw, (Brian's dad who he lost this past January). My doctor
suspected a blood clot in the placenta which, after testing, turned out to be correct. We had our son. We named him Jonathan Andrew. Jonathan means "Gift of God" and Andrew means "warrior". We named him after Jonathan in the Bible and Andrew is a family name on my husband's side. It was perfect.

My story that has been filled with unbelievable heartache, but I choose to trust and believe in a God that knows how the story ultimately ends. I have the amazing priviledge to be a mom of 4 children. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth. I wouldn't trade that for the world.

I would love to read your stories. Use the linky if you have a blog and if you don't have a blog, please share your story in the comments section. I would love to pray for you today and read your children's names outloud tonight when I light a candle for my daughter and son.

Back together again

My sisters and I are reuniting to sing for an awesome cause tonight. We haven't done a concert in 5 years since, we retired to be wives and mothers, and I am so excited to sing with them again. I am thrilled that the girls finally get to see their mommy sing on stage. The last concert we did Brooklyn was crawling around on the stage during sound check. Wow how time flies.

Don't forget tomorrow, I would love for you to join me in remembering those babies that were lost. Please link up your blog and tell us your story. If you don't have a blog, please leave your story in the comments section. I will be lighting 2 candles tomorrow night for Zoe & Jonathan. I would love to have a little ceremony where I read the names of the babies that were lost. I would love to include yours.

Tuesday's Tip-Bow Holder

This is a fun Tuesday's Tip if you have a little girl. Moms of boys, you can partake in this too. It would make an adorable shower gift or birthday gift for a little girl. I promise they will think you are the most creative person in the world. What they won't realize is how easy and how inexpensive it is to make. The whole project costs a little less than $3. How's that for a bargain? Plus it's totally custom.

I went to Joann's and picked up my girls initials. Of course I had a coupon so I believe I spent $1 for each letter. Then I applied 2 coats of craft paint that I already had at the house. While I was at Joann's, I picked up some wide ribbon that matched the colors in their rooms. Brooklyn has pinks, greens and blues and Sydney at the time had pink and brown. I've since changed it to green, pink and yellow so I will probably be repainting hers and changing the ribbon.

Then I took the ribbon and wrapped it around the bottom of the initial and glued it. I used Super Glue because I don't have a glue gun. The last step is to attach a picture hanger to the back and you are done. It's that simple.


I would love to do something special this Friday for all of you who have lost a baby. October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. I will be posting my story in rememberance of my sweet angels in Heaven and I would like you to link up and share your story if you have a blog. If you don't have a blog, please share your story with me under the comments section.

I want to remember your babies right along with you. I know from experience when you are walking this journey you can feel so alone. Everyone around you is having their baby and you feel like you are the only one that is not. I am here to say that you are not alone and I want to honor you and your children. So please join me on Friday as we celebrate and remember our little ones who were gone too soon.

A Day of Mourning

I was supposed to do an update tomorrow about week 16 of my pregnancy. That will not happen. I can't believe I am even typing this. It's all too surreal. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up to find it was all a dream.

I have a doppler at home. A very good one. One that I used with my pregnancies with Brooklyn and Sydney. After we lost our sweet Zoe, I needed to have that when I was pregnant with Brooklyn to be reassured on days I was having a rough time believing she would be ok.

I flew home yesterday from a great weekend in California. I was anxious to get home and use the doppler so I could hear my baby's heartbeat. Usually it only takes a minute or two to find it, but yesterday that didn't happen. I tried for over an hour several time throughout the afternoon and evening. Even Brian tried and we just couldn't hear it. I really started to get nervous. I knew I would call the dr in the morning to go in and see if they could find it.

I knew in my heart something was wrong. I went to see my doctor around 9:30 this morning and the ultrasound showed our baby alive. The heartbeat was showing signs of arrhythmia and so my doctor sent me directly to my high risk OB.

When I got to the office of our high risk OB they took us back to the ultrasound room. The tech proceeded to look over the baby. Brian and I both strained to see if there was a heartbeat and we saw none. She zoomed in and I saw stillness. She then left the room. Flashbacks of almost 6 years ago flooded my mind and I couldn't cry. I couldn't believe the similarities.

I started to sing, "Father I adore you and I lay my life before you, how I love you". Then we sang, "I love you Lord and I lift my voice to worship you oh my soul rejoice. Take joy my king in what you hear and may it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear". Brian and I just sang quietly to our Lord. It was a sweet time.

The doctor walked in and I just said, "We Know". He just kept saying how sorry he was. He is such a sweet man and I knew he truly meant it.

My next question, like I did with Zoe was, "What's next"? I just had to know. Could they do a D&C? He said that I was too far along for that. Oh Lord no. Not again. Please God. My next question was if I had to have a c-section because that is what I had had with the girls. Thankfully he said no.

I have done alot of crying and questioning why? It just doesn't make sense. Why us? Why another child? I know that God understands these questions and that they are ok to ask. I know there will be more questions to come. For now I rest in the One who holds all the answers.

I am scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning at 7:30. We were hoping to get into the hospital today but there were no rooms available. God's timing is perfect and I rest in that. I would love your prayers for the delivery. I have an idea of what to expect, but I know anything can happen. Pray specifically for no side effects from the epidural, that the baby would come out easily with no need for lots of pushes and for a speedy recovery for me physically. I will experience all the things that any woman would experience after delivery, all without the joy of holding my newborn.

Tomorrow I will have the privilege and the honor of introducing you to my new son or daughter. One who was so loved by mommy, daddy, and two sisters.

Please be in prayer for the girls as they process this all. Sydney keeps saying, "I don't want the baby to die". She says it over and over. We have just told the girls that the baby is with Jesus and Zoe in Heaven.

Thank you to my family, friends and blog friends who have prayed and offered their love and support. I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me and my family.

Blessings to you all.