Due Date

Hand in hand I walk into the maternity wing of the hospital with my hubby. We are both smiling from ear to ear. Today is the day I will give birth to our son. We are overjoyed. We have prayed for over two years for a son and today we will see his sweet face.

I can't wait for the girls to meet their brother. For 9 months that is all they have been talking about. They have felt him kick inside of me and have sung to him everyday. Their "Big Sister" shirts are laid out on their beds all ready to go. They are so excited. Nana and Papa will bring them to the hospital in just a few hours. I can't believe we'll soon be a family of 5. I know some people say it's difficult to go from 2 to 3 children, but I say bring it on.

Family and friends start arriving at the hospital waiting to meet our bundle of joy. I'm given my epidural and wheeled back into the operating room where I will have my c-section. It's old hat since I've been down this road twice before. Brian comes walking in with his blue jumpsuit on looking oh so dapper. He squeezes my hand ever so gently and says, "I love you babe and I'm so proud of you". I start to shake with the anticipation of finally, well that and the fact that I can't feel my body from my chest down. Finally after all the tugging and pulling my dr shouts, "Congratulations, it's a boy". I hear those tiny little cries as he lifts my son over the blue drape so I can see his face. He is perfect and he is beautiful and most importantly, he is mine.

Then I wake up.

Tears begin to flow.

It was only a dream.

It was not meant to be.

You see, I delivered my son, Jonathan, stillborn on August 12, 2010, not January 27, 2011. I would have never guessed back in May when I learned I was pregnant that today I would be lying in a bed in a hotel room instead of in the hospital.

I am thrilled to be at Blissdom, but it is bitter sweet. It's a reminder to me that I do not have my baby boy. God knew all this. He knows my future and He loves me so. That is what I cling to. My hope is that one day this will not be a dream. It will be reality.


Erica said...

:( So sorry for you and your family. I hope you've got some great support at Blissdom to get you through today. Reading your dates was ironic for me, my sister delivered her stillborn son just a week before you did. She was due at Thanksgiving, it was a tough time but we all made it through. I pray you will find comfort, peace, and strength to make it through too!

Heather said...

Praying for you today, Krista.

Jaclyn said...

Will be praying for you today!

Anonymous said...

Your post starts the tears flowing down. My story is not so dissimilar from yours. I too should now be delivering my son. Instead I found out at 16 weeks that he had no heartbeat. I delivered him on September 9, 2010. I read Kelly's blog and she had posted a link to pray for you and your family. I found so much comfort in your story; knowing that someone out there was feeling the same things I was feeling at the same time. Thank you for being that support even though you never knew. I will be praying for you and your family today. I know it won't be an easy day!

Digital Mom said...

Krista, just met you - saw your link, clicked and this post. So sincere, honest and real.

So glad you are here and so glad to run into 20x and we still have another day. So glad to meet you and I say so - so many times.

Praying for comfort, support and peace.

Elisabeth said...

It's so unfair and I wish things were different. I've been thinking of you and your family all week knowing this was the week. Sending you hugs.

joanna said...

Krista, I had no idea. Just wanted you to know that I so admire your strength and willingness to share your story with all of us. I know there are those out there who are being encouraged and supported. I will be praying for continued healing and peace.

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Thinking of you and your sweet family. Love to all of you.

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