Hand in hand I walk into the maternity wing of the hospital with my hubby. We are both smiling from ear to ear. Today is the day I will give birth to our son. We are overjoyed. We have prayed for over two years for a son and today we will see his sweet face.
I can't wait for the girls to meet their brother. For 9 months that is all they have been talking about. They have felt him kick inside of me and have sung to him everyday. Their "Big Sister" shirts are laid out on their beds all ready to go. They are so excited. Nana and Papa will bring them to the hospital in just a few hours. I can't believe we'll soon be a family of 5. I know some people say it's difficult to go from 2 to 3 children, but I say bring it on.
Family and friends start arriving at the hospital waiting to meet our bundle of joy. I'm given my epidural and wheeled back into the operating room where I will have my c-section. It's old hat since I've been down this road twice before. Brian comes walking in with his blue jumpsuit on looking oh so dapper. He squeezes my hand ever so gently and says, "I love you babe and I'm so proud of you". I start to shake with the anticipation of finally, well that and the fact that I can't feel my body from my chest down. Finally after all the tugging and pulling my dr shouts, "Congratulations, it's a boy". I hear those tiny little cries as he lifts my son over the blue drape so I can see his face. He is perfect and he is beautiful and most importantly, he is mine.
Then I wake up.
Tears begin to flow.
It was only a dream.
It was not meant to be.
You see, I delivered my son, Jonathan, stillborn on August 12, 2010, not January 27, 2011. I would have never guessed back in May when I learned I was pregnant that today I would be lying in a bed in a hotel room instead of in the hospital.
I am thrilled to be at Blissdom, but it is bitter sweet. It's a reminder to me that I do not have my baby boy. God knew all this. He knows my future and He loves me so. That is what I cling to. My hope is that one day this will not be a dream. It will be reality.