Just Sad

This will be a short post because I'm just not mentally up for trying to write anything profound today. I'm just too sad. I miss my son. I miss my baby moving and kicking inside of me. Instead it's just still. I miss my growing belly, the heartburn, the many trips to the bathroom at night and the excitement on the girls faces as they talk about their baby brother. I'd give anything for them to be able to see my belly move all around as they lay their hands on my tummy. I miss the excitement of getting the nursery ready for my sweet boy. I see the blocks I bought when I was pregnant with him and the little blue piggy bank the girls picked out for their brother just sitting on the dresser.

The last week and a half my body has been through so much. I've been focused on my health that I really didn't have time to mourn. Now that I am feeling somewhat better it just all came flooding back today. There is an ache in my heart that time will never heal. If you've lost a child you know what I mean. Please don't get me wrong it does get better, I've experienced that with the loss of my daughter Zoe, but the void will always be there. It's hard not to live in the what if's? The why me? I choose not to stay there though because it will not help me heal. Heal is what I have to do for me and for my family. It will come in time and with alot of patience.

Dear Lord, I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my cry. I know you are near. Please bring my body and my soul peace today. The peace it so desperately needs. Turn my mourning into laughter. Give me hope in the waiting.

I leave you with this quote I heard this week. "Patience is not the ability to wait, it's how you act while you are waiting". Patience is a fruit of the spirit. The Vine's Expository Dictionary says this, "it is a fruit that only grows and develops under trial."

4 comments:

Michelle Whitlow said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I do not know what it's like to lose a child so I can't begin to imagine. But I am praying for you. For healing for you and your family; mental, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I am praying that you find some peace. Praying for you :)

Wendy said...

I haven't been on your blog in a while. I am beyond sorry for your loss. My heart grieves with you.

Yvonne said...

Hi Krista,

I found your blog a few weeks ago and wanted you to know how much you have helped me today. When I found your blog I was about 22 weeks pregnant and in the hopsital, I had been on bedrest at the hospital for about 3 weeks or so and I was holding my baby girl inside for what was planned to be many more weeks. My story began actually back in 2004 when my husband and I tried and tried to get pregnant and finally we were pregnant. On my 16th week, I woke up that morning and said, I'm so excited I'm 4 months! Later that day, my water broke and 2 days later our son Peyton was born to soon and went to be with the Lord. One year later, my husband and I were in the adoption process and found out we were pregnant again, we were also told by the adoption agency that there was a little baby on the way, so we decided that we would just have two babies, the one I was carrying and the one that we were going to adopt. When I turned 15wks 6 days, my water broke again and I went into labor and delivered our son Peter to the Lord. Later that week we also found out the adoption fell through as well. In 2006 God sent us a son through adoption and he is so special to us. Fast forward to 2010, we were surprised to find out we were pregnant. This time with a little girl, so exciting. My water broke 4 days ago and she lived in the NICU until this morning. She was only 23 weeks 5 days gestation when she was born and they pretty much only did something for her, because we insisted. But, I think it is great that you are writing how you are getting to a place of healing, because I know from my previous losses that time heals, but I can't remember how we got there. I can't figure out how to explain to my 3 year old this his sister is in heaven. I did think about how you and your husband began to sing "Jesus I adore you, lay my life before you" and I sang that as I watched our child take her last breath. It is so hard to know why God's plan are as they are, and I am trying hard not to question God or feel upset. I know God has a plan, I just wished it had included my daughter Lauren living with us, happy and healthy.

Sorry, for writing all of this to you, but honestly, I felt I found your blog for a reason and I just wanted you to know that I understand completely what you are going through and I think I just needed to write to someone who I thought could understand me. Just know that your strength in your storm has helped me today.

Thank you,
Yvonne

Krista Lord said...

My heart is breaking for you Yvonne. I was reading your comment to my husband and crying. I don't know you, but if I could wrap my arms around you and give you a hug I would. I would love to keep in touch through email. Please send me your email address at hopeinthewaiting@att.net I will be going to the Father tonight on your behalf. I know how hard that is to explain to a 3 year old. Mine are 3 and 5 and my sweet Sydney (3) will ask all the time, "why did my baby die mommy"? I don't have the answer to that question. I wish I knew. I just let them know that their baby brother is in Heaven playing with their sister and that they love it there. That seems to be good enough for them. May God comfort you and may you know that He weeps with you and so do I.

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