This will be a short post because I'm just not mentally up for trying to write anything profound today. I'm just too sad. I miss my son. I miss my baby moving and kicking inside of me. Instead it's just still. I miss my growing belly, the heartburn, the many trips to the bathroom at night and the excitement on the girls faces as they talk about their baby brother. I'd give anything for them to be able to see my belly move all around as they lay their hands on my tummy. I miss the excitement of getting the nursery ready for my sweet boy. I see the blocks I bought when I was pregnant with him and the little blue piggy bank the girls picked out for their brother just sitting on the dresser.
The last week and a half my body has been through so much. I've been focused on my health that I really didn't have time to mourn. Now that I am feeling somewhat better it just all came flooding back today. There is an ache in my heart that time will never heal. If you've lost a child you know what I mean. Please don't get me wrong it does get better, I've experienced that with the loss of my daughter Zoe, but the void will always be there. It's hard not to live in the what if's? The why me? I choose not to stay there though because it will not help me heal. Heal is what I have to do for me and for my family. It will come in time and with alot of patience.
Dear Lord, I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my cry. I know you are near. Please bring my body and my soul peace today. The peace it so desperately needs. Turn my mourning into laughter. Give me hope in the waiting.
I leave you with this quote I heard this week. "Patience is not the ability to wait, it's how you act while you are waiting". Patience is a fruit of the spirit. The Vine's Expository Dictionary says this, "it is a fruit that only grows and develops under trial."