What Should Have Been

Today should've been my 20 week update. Today should've been our big ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Today should've been a celebration about finding out that we were having a little boy. The boy we prayed for 2 years to have.

Instead it's a night of grieving. It's late and I can't sleep. I'm incredibly sad. I have no more tears left to cry. Well, I guess that's not entirely true because they are flowing down my cheeks as I type.

Nights are the hardest. I keep it bottled up during the day because I have to function for the girls. They need their mommy and to be honest it helps to have a distraction from the pain, but then night comes and it's like the dam breaks. They go to bed and I'm alone with my thoughts and that's when it comes flooding out like a raging river. It helps to cry. I feel somewhat better after I do and I know it's good that I do. I know there will come a day when the pain is not so intense, but for now it just plain sucks. No better word for it really. Our journey with Zoe taught us that we have a long road ahead of us.

If you've lost a child you know that road all too well. It's a road filled with potholes and detour signs. One minute you are driving down the road and the sun is shining and your singing to your favorite song on the radio. The next thing you know you know the clouds roll in and the rain comes pouring down so hard you can't see the road in front of you. Then bam, your tire hits a pothole and your car spins out of control and off into a ditch. That's grief my friend. It can come out of the middle of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. It is not fun, but what I am learning is that it's necessary for the journey. Without trials, we can't grow. As I learned with Zoe, I know I will come out on the otherside a stronger person and closer to my Lord.

As Brian and I prayed together tonight, I just spilled my guts to the Lord. I know He knows my heart and I know He knows my pain. He's my papa, my Jehovah-Jireh (my provider), Jehovah-Ropheka (healer), Jehovah-Shammah (The Lord is present), El-Olam (Everlasting God), El-Shaddai (The God who is sufficient) and He's my Savior.

My sweet friend Jen sent me this verse. This verse brought comfort to her when she lost her son Max. Now it brings comfort to my weary soul.

Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God , O peoples, let the sound of His praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God tested us;
You refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
Your let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water
but You brought us to a place of abundance.

If you are reading this tonight and in a place of despair, call on Him. Run to Him. He will be your comfort and your rock. He will be there to hold you and comfort you. Put your head on His shoulder and find rest.