All wired up

Today has been a rough week for me. I'm just gonna put it out there and be transparent. Tuesday I had an appointment with my cardiologist to meet with him to discuss why I am getting dizzy spells that bring on fatigue and make me weak. They come on out of the blue and they are super scary.

I guess I have to back up a bit. I have been dizzy for the last 5 years of my life. Not room spinning dizzy more like being on a boat like sensation. It's rather annoying to put it nicely. It came on right after I delivered my precious Zoe back in Oct 2005. I had an MRI on my brain in Dec that showed nothing. Then I got pregnant with Brooklyn in December and the dizziness went away. Then came back after I delivered her. Then went away when I got pregnant 11 months later with Sydney. Then came back after delivery and has stuck around since then.

Notice a pattern? I don't get dizzy when I am pregnant. Weird huh. All the specialists I have seen think so too and believe me I have seen them all. No one can figure out the pattern. It is so frustrating to not know what is causing it and to never have relief, except in pregnancy. Sydney will be 3 in a couple of weeks so it's been constant for almost 3 years.

About a month ago I had an "episode" (that's what I am calling it) that scared me. The dizziness got worse but it was accompanied by a feeling of weakness and extreme fatigue. All I could do was go lay down on the couch. I could not move. It's like the life was sucked right out of me. It lasted for about 20 minutes and then went away.

2 weeks ago it happened while driving the girls to school and that's when I called the dr. I have to find out what's causing this for my sake and for the safety of my family. I saw my cardiologist, whom I love, and he decided it was best for me to wear a heart monitor 24/7 for a month. Holy cow was he serious. A month. Well today is day 3 and I am already sick of this thing. I know it's for a good purpose but it has been hard on me emotionally and psychologically. So here is how it works. I have 2 electrodes attached to me that is then attached to a little device of a pager. Remember pagers? When the monitor beeps it means that some kind of irregularity has been detected. I then have to call an 800 number and transmit the signal over the phone so they can look at it. Then they send the results to my doctor.

Today I had a bad "episode". The worst one yet. I had all the symptoms, plus nauseousness and feeling chilled. It lasted for 45 minutes. I had to call Brian to have him come home because I thought I might pass out. It was around 1:00 and the girls had to be picked up from school at 2:00. My only thought was I didn't want them to be sitting there wondering where mama was. Thankfully he only works 7 min from home so he was home lickity split. Have I said lately how much I love my hubby and how amazing he is in situations like these? He just held my hand and prayed over me.

I hit the record button on the monitor when the episode started so it could record what my heart was doing at the time. I called the nurse to see if she could get the results and call me back. My anxiety level was at an all time high. Thankfully she called back and said that she was able to read it and there were no abnormalities during the episode. That's good news so far, but we still don't know what's causing it.

I am really trying hard to turn my fear over to the Lord, but it's so hard. This place of fear is not knew to me. I know it all to well I am afraid. It's that same fear they came over me like a wave when I was pregnant with Brooklyn and started bleeding. I knew that I was going to lose my little baby just like I lost my daughter Zoe just 3 months earlier. I remember laying there and Brian praying over me and the baby. He had so much faith. I had none. He just knew our baby would be ok. He was right. She was more than ok and 7 months later we met her.

The Lord has come through and been faithful to me in the past, why can't I remember that? Do you ever have times in your life you forget what God has done for you? I do it all the time. I can beat myself up about it til the cows come home but that won't do me any good. What I can do is pray. Pray that the Lord would reveal his plan to me. Reveal what He wants me to learn from all this.

I know that Satan wants me to be fearful, anxious, depressed, tired and just feel plain wrotten. When I feel this way I can't be a good wife or mother. I can't enjoy the blessings that God has given to me. I refuse to let him have a foothold in my life. God's word says in Isaiah 53:4, "By His stripes you are healed". It doesn't say you might be healed it says YOU ARE healed. It's been done. God paid that ultimate price for us on the cross. Believe it and receive it as God's will.

Ok, I feel so much better now. If you've read this long post thank you. I didn't mean for it to go down this road, but the Lord knew I needed to type it out as a reminder to me.

I better end now. My heart monitor is beeping. Better go make my phone call. 27 days to go.