So I wrote.....
and wrote.
It was just a simple way of letting my sweet babies know how much I love them and miss them. Who knows, maybe they could see it from Heaven.
To write their names in sand
Years ago, I came across this blog and wept. I knew that if I had a chance to spend some time at the beach, I wanted to write my kid's names in the sand. As I watched Brooklyn and Sydney play on the beach, my heart ached, knowing I would never get that chance with Zoe and Jonathan. I wanted somehow for them to be there with us.
So I wrote.....
and wrote.
It was just a simple way of letting my sweet babies know how much I love them and miss them. Who knows, maybe they could see it from Heaven.
So I wrote.....
and wrote.
It was just a simple way of letting my sweet babies know how much I love them and miss them. Who knows, maybe they could see it from Heaven.
Remembering My Son
Dearest Jonathan,
My son. Oh how I miss you from the depths of my soul. My heart aches for you. I can't believe it's been 1 year since I held you and looked into your little eyes. You reminded me so much of your daddy and your big sister Brooklyn, with your little dimpled chin. You got the Lord chin you know. You were so beautiful. It was just too soon sweet boy.
Your daddy and I and your sisters had prayed and prayed for you. You were the answers to our prayers. I don't know why you had to leave us and I wish I could have protected you. We had so many plans for you. I wish so much you could've met your big sisters. You would have love playing with them. They are truly amazing and they've kept your daddy and me going this past year.
What is Heaven like my son? I imagine you and Zoe holding hands walking through streets of gold or sitting on Jesus lap. I look forward to the day that we are reunited as one big family. How sweet that will be. Until then my boy, know that I love you dearly and miss you. You will always be a part of my heart and our family. Kiss your sissy for me tonight.
Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
My son. Oh how I miss you from the depths of my soul. My heart aches for you. I can't believe it's been 1 year since I held you and looked into your little eyes. You reminded me so much of your daddy and your big sister Brooklyn, with your little dimpled chin. You got the Lord chin you know. You were so beautiful. It was just too soon sweet boy.
Your daddy and I and your sisters had prayed and prayed for you. You were the answers to our prayers. I don't know why you had to leave us and I wish I could have protected you. We had so many plans for you. I wish so much you could've met your big sisters. You would have love playing with them. They are truly amazing and they've kept your daddy and me going this past year.
What is Heaven like my son? I imagine you and Zoe holding hands walking through streets of gold or sitting on Jesus lap. I look forward to the day that we are reunited as one big family. How sweet that will be. Until then my boy, know that I love you dearly and miss you. You will always be a part of my heart and our family. Kiss your sissy for me tonight.
Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy
100,000 and being real
As I look at my little page ticker dealy who, I can't believe I am 150 hits away from 100,000. That is crazy to me. I never thought anyone would read my blog, but my family and maybe a few friends. It started out as a way to chronicle my girls growing up because I was horrible at scrap booking. I still have never finished their baby books. Can anyone else relate?
I never would have imagined that the struggles and heartaches that I have been through would touch the hearts of those that read my blog. I'm glad my words can do that, because for me it helps me make sense of it all. I have to admit that I've been having a rough time lately. It seems I've had to deal with one loss after another this year and it's taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and just don't have tears left to cry. I could really use your prayers, especially during this holiday season and next month as I approach, what would have been, my delivery date of our son.
I can't put in to words just how much I miss him. This is not how I pictured Christmas to be this year. I thought I would be hugely pregnant and very uncomfortable, sitting around watching my girls open their presents and even letting them open some up for their baby brother. The nursery would have been ready by now with all of his little onsies washed and hanging in the closet. The cars seat would be in the van just in case I went into labor early. The girls would have their big sister shirts all ready to go and waiting for them to wear to the hospital. My bag would be packed and ready to go by the front door. The girls would snuggle up on the couch and touch my big belly and smile and laugh as their brother kicked inside mommy. Our family would finally be complete with the son that we had always wanted since having the girls.
I just don't get it. Why us again? Wasn't once enough? What did we do to deserve such pain? I know God understands these questions that I ask. I know that I may never get an answer to these questions this side of Heaven. I know His love for me goes deeper than I could ever comprehend and that His heart aches that I am in so much pain. I know all of this in my head, but my heart feels like it's been ripped in two.
Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond words with an amazing husband and two precious little girls. I am proud to be a wife and a mother. I know this season in my life will pass and the sun will shine again. God is still working on the ending to my story and I wait with anticipation to see how it will all unfold.
So thank you for reading my little blog. I am honored and humbled that you would take a few minutes out of your busy day to read what I have to say. Thank you for your prayers over the last few months. I cannot begin to express how that has touched my heart and soul. I want to post my devotion from Tuesday that was just so awesome that I had to share it with you. May it encourage you and bring joy to your heart.
I never would have imagined that the struggles and heartaches that I have been through would touch the hearts of those that read my blog. I'm glad my words can do that, because for me it helps me make sense of it all. I have to admit that I've been having a rough time lately. It seems I've had to deal with one loss after another this year and it's taken a toll on me physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and just don't have tears left to cry. I could really use your prayers, especially during this holiday season and next month as I approach, what would have been, my delivery date of our son.
I can't put in to words just how much I miss him. This is not how I pictured Christmas to be this year. I thought I would be hugely pregnant and very uncomfortable, sitting around watching my girls open their presents and even letting them open some up for their baby brother. The nursery would have been ready by now with all of his little onsies washed and hanging in the closet. The cars seat would be in the van just in case I went into labor early. The girls would have their big sister shirts all ready to go and waiting for them to wear to the hospital. My bag would be packed and ready to go by the front door. The girls would snuggle up on the couch and touch my big belly and smile and laugh as their brother kicked inside mommy. Our family would finally be complete with the son that we had always wanted since having the girls.
I just don't get it. Why us again? Wasn't once enough? What did we do to deserve such pain? I know God understands these questions that I ask. I know that I may never get an answer to these questions this side of Heaven. I know His love for me goes deeper than I could ever comprehend and that His heart aches that I am in so much pain. I know all of this in my head, but my heart feels like it's been ripped in two.
Please don't get me wrong, I am blessed beyond words with an amazing husband and two precious little girls. I am proud to be a wife and a mother. I know this season in my life will pass and the sun will shine again. God is still working on the ending to my story and I wait with anticipation to see how it will all unfold.
So thank you for reading my little blog. I am honored and humbled that you would take a few minutes out of your busy day to read what I have to say. Thank you for your prayers over the last few months. I cannot begin to express how that has touched my heart and soul. I want to post my devotion from Tuesday that was just so awesome that I had to share it with you. May it encourage you and bring joy to your heart.
We Remember
Today I remember my daughter and my son, both are in the arms of Jesus. I would like to share with you their stories.
Early summer of 2004, during a routine ultrasound, I learned the amazing news I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After 3 years of infertility,
and a failed IVF, I was pregnant with our miracle baby. The doctors told us we had no hope of conceiving on our own, but God had other plans.
My husband and I were thrilled, and like any soon to be parents, started talking about names and all the things we couldn't wait to do. My pregnancy
progressed with ease and at 21 weeks, we couldn't wait to hear if we were having a boy or a girl. At 1:30, on October 6, 2004 our world came crashing down.
I knew something was terribly wrong when our ultrasound tech said, "I'm seeing something I don't like. I am going to go get your doctor". She left the room and
all I could say was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". My doctor came in and said, "Krista, I am so sorry there is no heartbeat." I went into shock. I couldn't cry. It was
the strangest feeling. She told us I would have to deliver.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on October 8, 2005 at 5:30 am our daughter was born still. My doctor knew immediately what had caused her death.
The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. It was so tight that my doctor had to cut it off. We were crushed.
We hadn't decided on a name at that point and I remember a nurse coming in to ask us if we wanted to see a baby name book. I told her we would. I found the name
Zoe which I thought was perfect for her. It meant "life". We decided on her middle name to be Renae which means "reborn". She was "life reborn." So fitting for her.
She was reborn into the arms of Jesus where she would have eternal life. Brian and I got to hold her and our families got to see her and say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know, that
more pain would be in store for us, just 6 years later.
Brian and I had always dreamed about having a big family. We both come from families with 4 children. I have 3 sisters and Brian has 2 brothers and a sister. By the time Sydney was
2 we started trying again. I suffered 2 very early miscarriages in June of 2008 and January of 2009. In May of this year we learned we were pregnant again. We had been praying for a boy and
I just knew when I found out I was pregnant, that it was a boy. By the time I got past the first trimester, I was feeling pretty positive. I had to believe that I would have a healthy pregnancy and baby.
One night when I was using my dopplar, which I would do on occasion, I had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat. Normally this would take me a minute or two to find, but I searched for what seemed
like an hour and couldn't find it. I started to panic. I knew in my heart something was wrong. The next morning I called my OB and told him what was going on and he said to come in for an ultrasound.
I couldn't look at the screen. I was terrified. Then he said he saw the heartbeat. I was relieved, until he said, but something is not right. There is an arythmia. He sent me immediately to my high risk OB
for him to look at. Once again, fear and shock set in. I couldn't believe this was happening. Why us again?
When we got to the high risk OB, I was given an ultrasound. I knew right away. The tech said, "I'll be right back". Flashbacks of what happened with Zoe flooded my mind. I began to sing, "Father I adore you and
I lay my life before you, how I love you." Brian sang with me. We just kept singing until the doctor came in. I looked at him and said, "We know". That was it. I know he was incredibly sad for us. It was written all
over his face. Once again I couldn't cry. I was numb. Again, Lord? Why?
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on August 12, 2010, my son was born. He was precious and perfect. He looked like his daddy and his PeePaw, (Brian's dad who he lost this past January). My doctor
suspected a blood clot in the placenta which, after testing, turned out to be correct. We had our son. We named him Jonathan Andrew. Jonathan means "Gift of God" and Andrew means "warrior". We named him after Jonathan in the Bible and Andrew is a family name on my husband's side. It was perfect.
My story that has been filled with unbelievable heartache, but I choose to trust and believe in a God that knows how the story ultimately ends. I have the amazing priviledge to be a mom of 4 children. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth. I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I would love to read your stories. Use the linky if you have a blog and if you don't have a blog, please share your story in the comments section. I would love to pray for you today and read your children's names outloud tonight when I light a candle for my daughter and son.
Early summer of 2004, during a routine ultrasound, I learned the amazing news I was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. After 3 years of infertility,
and a failed IVF, I was pregnant with our miracle baby. The doctors told us we had no hope of conceiving on our own, but God had other plans.
My husband and I were thrilled, and like any soon to be parents, started talking about names and all the things we couldn't wait to do. My pregnancy
progressed with ease and at 21 weeks, we couldn't wait to hear if we were having a boy or a girl. At 1:30, on October 6, 2004 our world came crashing down.
I knew something was terribly wrong when our ultrasound tech said, "I'm seeing something I don't like. I am going to go get your doctor". She left the room and
all I could say was, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus". My doctor came in and said, "Krista, I am so sorry there is no heartbeat." I went into shock. I couldn't cry. It was
the strangest feeling. She told us I would have to deliver.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on October 8, 2005 at 5:30 am our daughter was born still. My doctor knew immediately what had caused her death.
The cord was wrapped around her neck twice. It was so tight that my doctor had to cut it off. We were crushed.
We hadn't decided on a name at that point and I remember a nurse coming in to ask us if we wanted to see a baby name book. I told her we would. I found the name
Zoe which I thought was perfect for her. It meant "life". We decided on her middle name to be Renae which means "reborn". She was "life reborn." So fitting for her.
She was reborn into the arms of Jesus where she would have eternal life. Brian and I got to hold her and our families got to see her and say goodbye. It was the hardest day of my life. Little did I know, that
more pain would be in store for us, just 6 years later.
Brian and I had always dreamed about having a big family. We both come from families with 4 children. I have 3 sisters and Brian has 2 brothers and a sister. By the time Sydney was
2 we started trying again. I suffered 2 very early miscarriages in June of 2008 and January of 2009. In May of this year we learned we were pregnant again. We had been praying for a boy and
I just knew when I found out I was pregnant, that it was a boy. By the time I got past the first trimester, I was feeling pretty positive. I had to believe that I would have a healthy pregnancy and baby.
One night when I was using my dopplar, which I would do on occasion, I had a hard time finding the baby's heartbeat. Normally this would take me a minute or two to find, but I searched for what seemed
like an hour and couldn't find it. I started to panic. I knew in my heart something was wrong. The next morning I called my OB and told him what was going on and he said to come in for an ultrasound.
I couldn't look at the screen. I was terrified. Then he said he saw the heartbeat. I was relieved, until he said, but something is not right. There is an arythmia. He sent me immediately to my high risk OB
for him to look at. Once again, fear and shock set in. I couldn't believe this was happening. Why us again?
When we got to the high risk OB, I was given an ultrasound. I knew right away. The tech said, "I'll be right back". Flashbacks of what happened with Zoe flooded my mind. I began to sing, "Father I adore you and
I lay my life before you, how I love you." Brian sang with me. We just kept singing until the doctor came in. I looked at him and said, "We know". That was it. I know he was incredibly sad for us. It was written all
over his face. Once again I couldn't cry. I was numb. Again, Lord? Why?
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and on August 12, 2010, my son was born. He was precious and perfect. He looked like his daddy and his PeePaw, (Brian's dad who he lost this past January). My doctor
suspected a blood clot in the placenta which, after testing, turned out to be correct. We had our son. We named him Jonathan Andrew. Jonathan means "Gift of God" and Andrew means "warrior". We named him after Jonathan in the Bible and Andrew is a family name on my husband's side. It was perfect.
My story that has been filled with unbelievable heartache, but I choose to trust and believe in a God that knows how the story ultimately ends. I have the amazing priviledge to be a mom of 4 children. 2 in heaven and 2 on earth. I wouldn't trade that for the world.
I would love to read your stories. Use the linky if you have a blog and if you don't have a blog, please share your story in the comments section. I would love to pray for you today and read your children's names outloud tonight when I light a candle for my daughter and son.
Answers
Today we met with our high risk OB. We were going to get the report of what happened to our son. We didn't learn anything we didn't already know, but it was nice to talk with him. We officially learned that our son Jonathan was completely normal and healthy. He died because I had a blood clot in my placenta, just what Dr. T had suspected. To be honest, it would've been easier to accept if there had been something wrong with him, but to know that he was active and healthy and then just one day his heart stopped beating is just so painful.
A mother's instinct is to keep her child safe. I know it is not my fault and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it, but I couldn't protect him. I couldn't keep him safe. I couldn't keep Zoe safe. It's unreal to think I have lost 2 babies due to freak accidents in the womb. I look at my two sweet girls and just stand in awe of them. They are miracles!
We discussed what we would do the next time I got pregnant. Daily injections of Heparin would be the course of action, along with the baby aspirin and extra folic acid. It's nice to have a game plan, but to be honest, I can't really think about that right now. Of course we desire another baby, but for now my focus is on the girls and recovering physically and emotionally. The Lord will lead and guide us in His time.
On a positive note, it was beautiful in Middle Tennessee today. Oh my goodness. It was a cool 68 degrees. I had the windows open all day and enjoyed the cool air blowing in. I even made the girls hot cocoa with marshmellows. They loved it. This afternoon we played outside, or should I say they played while I pulled weeds and trimmed the hedges. Fun times I know, but I had to do something before the homeowners association wrote us a citation. It looks so much better. I still need to powerwash and put out the fall decorations, but for now I'm a happy camper. I will sleep well tonight for sure.
I would love to ask your opinion on something. Should I paint our front door red or leave it black? I can't decide. Brian and I have always wanted a red door, but I'm not sure how it would go with the brick. I would love to hear your thoughts. If you'd like, please leave me a comment and cast your vote to help me decide. Thanks.
A mother's instinct is to keep her child safe. I know it is not my fault and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it, but I couldn't protect him. I couldn't keep him safe. I couldn't keep Zoe safe. It's unreal to think I have lost 2 babies due to freak accidents in the womb. I look at my two sweet girls and just stand in awe of them. They are miracles!
We discussed what we would do the next time I got pregnant. Daily injections of Heparin would be the course of action, along with the baby aspirin and extra folic acid. It's nice to have a game plan, but to be honest, I can't really think about that right now. Of course we desire another baby, but for now my focus is on the girls and recovering physically and emotionally. The Lord will lead and guide us in His time.
On a positive note, it was beautiful in Middle Tennessee today. Oh my goodness. It was a cool 68 degrees. I had the windows open all day and enjoyed the cool air blowing in. I even made the girls hot cocoa with marshmellows. They loved it. This afternoon we played outside, or should I say they played while I pulled weeds and trimmed the hedges. Fun times I know, but I had to do something before the homeowners association wrote us a citation. It looks so much better. I still need to powerwash and put out the fall decorations, but for now I'm a happy camper. I will sleep well tonight for sure.
I would love to ask your opinion on something. Should I paint our front door red or leave it black? I can't decide. Brian and I have always wanted a red door, but I'm not sure how it would go with the brick. I would love to hear your thoughts. If you'd like, please leave me a comment and cast your vote to help me decide. Thanks.
Just Sad
This will be a short post because I'm just not mentally up for trying to write anything profound today. I'm just too sad. I miss my son. I miss my baby moving and kicking inside of me. Instead it's just still. I miss my growing belly, the heartburn, the many trips to the bathroom at night and the excitement on the girls faces as they talk about their baby brother. I'd give anything for them to be able to see my belly move all around as they lay their hands on my tummy. I miss the excitement of getting the nursery ready for my sweet boy. I see the blocks I bought when I was pregnant with him and the little blue piggy bank the girls picked out for their brother just sitting on the dresser.
The last week and a half my body has been through so much. I've been focused on my health that I really didn't have time to mourn. Now that I am feeling somewhat better it just all came flooding back today. There is an ache in my heart that time will never heal. If you've lost a child you know what I mean. Please don't get me wrong it does get better, I've experienced that with the loss of my daughter Zoe, but the void will always be there. It's hard not to live in the what if's? The why me? I choose not to stay there though because it will not help me heal. Heal is what I have to do for me and for my family. It will come in time and with alot of patience.
Dear Lord, I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my cry. I know you are near. Please bring my body and my soul peace today. The peace it so desperately needs. Turn my mourning into laughter. Give me hope in the waiting.
I leave you with this quote I heard this week. "Patience is not the ability to wait, it's how you act while you are waiting". Patience is a fruit of the spirit. The Vine's Expository Dictionary says this, "it is a fruit that only grows and develops under trial."
The last week and a half my body has been through so much. I've been focused on my health that I really didn't have time to mourn. Now that I am feeling somewhat better it just all came flooding back today. There is an ache in my heart that time will never heal. If you've lost a child you know what I mean. Please don't get me wrong it does get better, I've experienced that with the loss of my daughter Zoe, but the void will always be there. It's hard not to live in the what if's? The why me? I choose not to stay there though because it will not help me heal. Heal is what I have to do for me and for my family. It will come in time and with alot of patience.
Dear Lord, I know you feel my pain. I know you hear my cry. I know you are near. Please bring my body and my soul peace today. The peace it so desperately needs. Turn my mourning into laughter. Give me hope in the waiting.
I leave you with this quote I heard this week. "Patience is not the ability to wait, it's how you act while you are waiting". Patience is a fruit of the spirit. The Vine's Expository Dictionary says this, "it is a fruit that only grows and develops under trial."
Divine encounter on aisle 6
Today after I dropped the girls off at school, I decided to go to T.J. Maxx because I had some things I needed to return. As I was looking at the childrens bedding trying to find something for Sydney's room, I saw my friend Nicol. I had run into her a few months back, but before that I hadn't seen her since we toured together back in 2000. 10 long years ago. So much had happened since then for both of us.
I had been meaning to send her an email through Facebook since I lost Jonathan, but never had gotten around to it. I guess the Lord knew that I needed to talk to her. I never imagined it would be down an aisle of T.J. Maxx. I told her the story as tears streamed down my face. At one point one of the ladies who worked there came over and asked us if we were ok. I told her we were and she proceeded to hand us some kleenex. I think we talked for what seemed like 30 minutes.
Nicol knows what it's like to lose a child. She lost her son Luke to SIDS a little over 2 years ago. I remember hearing about it on our local Christian radio and my heart just broke. I just couldn't imagine the pain she and her husband were going through. I hadn't seen her in years, but I had such fond memories of our talks while we were on tour. Standing in TJ Maxx we talked about those conversations and how surreal it felt to be standing here 10 years later talking about the children we had lost.
She was such an encouragement to my soul. It's rare to find someone who really knows what you are going through. Most of my friends, thankfully, have never lost a child. There is a kinship with other women that is instant when you have lost a baby. No words need to be spoken, you can just look into their eyes and see the pain. Nicol was the encouragement I needed today and I am so thankful that He put it on our hearts to both go shopping at TJ Maxx.
I didn't end up finding a comforter for Sydney's room, but I found so much more. Comfort from an old friend. Thanks Nicol. Can't wait to get our girls together for a playdate.
I had been meaning to send her an email through Facebook since I lost Jonathan, but never had gotten around to it. I guess the Lord knew that I needed to talk to her. I never imagined it would be down an aisle of T.J. Maxx. I told her the story as tears streamed down my face. At one point one of the ladies who worked there came over and asked us if we were ok. I told her we were and she proceeded to hand us some kleenex. I think we talked for what seemed like 30 minutes.
Nicol knows what it's like to lose a child. She lost her son Luke to SIDS a little over 2 years ago. I remember hearing about it on our local Christian radio and my heart just broke. I just couldn't imagine the pain she and her husband were going through. I hadn't seen her in years, but I had such fond memories of our talks while we were on tour. Standing in TJ Maxx we talked about those conversations and how surreal it felt to be standing here 10 years later talking about the children we had lost.
She was such an encouragement to my soul. It's rare to find someone who really knows what you are going through. Most of my friends, thankfully, have never lost a child. There is a kinship with other women that is instant when you have lost a baby. No words need to be spoken, you can just look into their eyes and see the pain. Nicol was the encouragement I needed today and I am so thankful that He put it on our hearts to both go shopping at TJ Maxx.
I didn't end up finding a comforter for Sydney's room, but I found so much more. Comfort from an old friend. Thanks Nicol. Can't wait to get our girls together for a playdate.
What Should Have Been
Today should've been my 20 week update. Today should've been our big ultrasound to find out the sex of the baby. Today should've been a celebration about finding out that we were having a little boy. The boy we prayed for 2 years to have.
Instead it's a night of grieving. It's late and I can't sleep. I'm incredibly sad. I have no more tears left to cry. Well, I guess that's not entirely true because they are flowing down my cheeks as I type.
Nights are the hardest. I keep it bottled up during the day because I have to function for the girls. They need their mommy and to be honest it helps to have a distraction from the pain, but then night comes and it's like the dam breaks. They go to bed and I'm alone with my thoughts and that's when it comes flooding out like a raging river. It helps to cry. I feel somewhat better after I do and I know it's good that I do. I know there will come a day when the pain is not so intense, but for now it just plain sucks. No better word for it really. Our journey with Zoe taught us that we have a long road ahead of us.
If you've lost a child you know that road all too well. It's a road filled with potholes and detour signs. One minute you are driving down the road and the sun is shining and your singing to your favorite song on the radio. The next thing you know you know the clouds roll in and the rain comes pouring down so hard you can't see the road in front of you. Then bam, your tire hits a pothole and your car spins out of control and off into a ditch. That's grief my friend. It can come out of the middle of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. It is not fun, but what I am learning is that it's necessary for the journey. Without trials, we can't grow. As I learned with Zoe, I know I will come out on the otherside a stronger person and closer to my Lord.
As Brian and I prayed together tonight, I just spilled my guts to the Lord. I know He knows my heart and I know He knows my pain. He's my papa, my Jehovah-Jireh (my provider), Jehovah-Ropheka (healer), Jehovah-Shammah (The Lord is present), El-Olam (Everlasting God), El-Shaddai (The God who is sufficient) and He's my Savior.
My sweet friend Jen sent me this verse. This verse brought comfort to her when she lost her son Max. Now it brings comfort to my weary soul.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God , O peoples, let the sound of His praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God tested us;
You refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
Your let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water
but You brought us to a place of abundance.
If you are reading this tonight and in a place of despair, call on Him. Run to Him. He will be your comfort and your rock. He will be there to hold you and comfort you. Put your head on His shoulder and find rest.
Instead it's a night of grieving. It's late and I can't sleep. I'm incredibly sad. I have no more tears left to cry. Well, I guess that's not entirely true because they are flowing down my cheeks as I type.
Nights are the hardest. I keep it bottled up during the day because I have to function for the girls. They need their mommy and to be honest it helps to have a distraction from the pain, but then night comes and it's like the dam breaks. They go to bed and I'm alone with my thoughts and that's when it comes flooding out like a raging river. It helps to cry. I feel somewhat better after I do and I know it's good that I do. I know there will come a day when the pain is not so intense, but for now it just plain sucks. No better word for it really. Our journey with Zoe taught us that we have a long road ahead of us.
If you've lost a child you know that road all too well. It's a road filled with potholes and detour signs. One minute you are driving down the road and the sun is shining and your singing to your favorite song on the radio. The next thing you know you know the clouds roll in and the rain comes pouring down so hard you can't see the road in front of you. Then bam, your tire hits a pothole and your car spins out of control and off into a ditch. That's grief my friend. It can come out of the middle of nowhere and hit you like a ton of bricks. It is not fun, but what I am learning is that it's necessary for the journey. Without trials, we can't grow. As I learned with Zoe, I know I will come out on the otherside a stronger person and closer to my Lord.
As Brian and I prayed together tonight, I just spilled my guts to the Lord. I know He knows my heart and I know He knows my pain. He's my papa, my Jehovah-Jireh (my provider), Jehovah-Ropheka (healer), Jehovah-Shammah (The Lord is present), El-Olam (Everlasting God), El-Shaddai (The God who is sufficient) and He's my Savior.
My sweet friend Jen sent me this verse. This verse brought comfort to her when she lost her son Max. Now it brings comfort to my weary soul.
Psalm 66:8-12
Praise our God , O peoples, let the sound of His praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping.
For you, O God tested us;
You refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
Your let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water
but You brought us to a place of abundance.
If you are reading this tonight and in a place of despair, call on Him. Run to Him. He will be your comfort and your rock. He will be there to hold you and comfort you. Put your head on His shoulder and find rest.
Remembering my son. A fathers viewpoint.
Today Brian blogged about our son and I wanted you all to read it. It was a fresh new prospective that I had never really thought of and it has encouraged me throughout the day. So blessed to have my amazing husband walking this journey with me. I love you honey.
Remembering Our Baby Jonathan
We lost our son-to-be Jonathan a few weeks ago. I was having dinner with a group of friends with whom I'd just gone on a mission trip to Haiti, when Krista texted me that she wanted me to come home a little early because something had come up. I got home, and she said that she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the home doppler she had. The next morning we went in to the doctor's office, and we were happy to see the heart beat. And then we didn't see it. And then we did see the heart beat again, but faintly. The doctor said we should go right over to the high-risk OB. An hour later we were in his office, with the tech running the ultrasound. After about 30 seconds, the tech stood up and excused herself to get the doctor, which reenacted the scene from about 6 years ago when we lost Zoe. She couldn't find the heartbeat, so she was going to get the doctor to tell us we'd lost the baby. That really sucked.
The baby was big enough that we still had to deliver him. We tried getting into the hospital that day, but since most c-sections are planned for Tuesdays, trying to get into a hospital on a Tuesday or Wednesday for a non-emergency delivery is just about impossible. We were able to get in on Thursday at 7AM. Krista still had to do an epidural and all the other things that go along with a delivery. About 10 hours later, our little boy was born. The nurse cleaned him up and we were both able to hold him. We have three songs we sing to our girls just about every night, Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, and a little French lullaby. We wanted to sing to him at least once before we gave him back.
The funny thing is that babies at that stage don't have all the baby fat but they do have the facial bone structure, so they almost look like little adults, or, to be a bit crass but descriptive, about the same size and weight as action figures. I held him and saw that he had the Lord 'booty booty butt' chin, as we call it, and said to myself, "Wow, am I making this up, or does he look like my dad?". A few seconds later, Krista said, "He looks like your dad!"
We named him Jonathan Andrew Lord. Krista's dad's name is John, I really like David's friend Jonathan from the Bible, and both Jonathan and Andrew are family names. Krista was adamant that it not be a city name. It wasn't intended at the time, but I think that works out really well. Brooklyn and Sydney were made to be part of this world-at least for a time- and you can't get more temporal than city names. Zoe Renae ("Life, Reborn") and Jonathan Andrew ("God has given Man, or Manly") are much more spiritually focused, which makes sense, as they skipped earth and were made for heaven.
One of the things we struggled with a bit with Zoe is that we miss her, but if she had been, our daughter Brooklyn wouldn't have been. I'd mentioned Jonathan was one of my favorite men in the Bible, and that's because he was such a great friend and the very definition of personal sacrifice. He knew that David should be king, but since he, Jonathan, was the heir to the throne, he would have to die in order for David to become king. And even knowing that full well, Jonathan still did everything he could in order to help and protect David. Its impossible to know God's plan, but if we were to get pregnant again soon, it would mean that we couldn't have had both Jonathan and another baby, that again another Jonathan made way for someone else.
I thought it was good that we were able to be with him at the end, so to speak, to see his last few heartbeats. And after three girls, we were able to have a boy. There are some things we do miss, little coincidences that you see and hope for and think "Oh, that will be cool," but now are lost. My dad passed away on January 15, 2010 and Jonathan was due to be born in January 2011- like one person in the family was lost, but another came in almost exactly a year later. Also, Krista's sister's due date was within just a couple days of hers, and we were excited about these two cousins being great friends like their older siblings are.
But there are some coincidences that are good. As I mentioned, my dad passed away in January, and this August was feeling a little rough for me, as my dad always made it a point to come down to visit us for my birthday in mid-August. But it was neat that a 'little Steve' still showed up for me. Plus, Jonathan, Brooklyn and I all have birthdays within 2 weeks.
This has definitely been a sad time, but I'm not mad in the least. I don't think 'why me?' or 'why us?'. This is part of our story, of what makes us who we are. I still think I live a charmed life, I'm incredibly blessed, and that God's plan is perfect. I do know His plan is beyond me, but that my life is His to use how he wants to. I'm blessed.
Remembering Our Baby Jonathan
We lost our son-to-be Jonathan a few weeks ago. I was having dinner with a group of friends with whom I'd just gone on a mission trip to Haiti, when Krista texted me that she wanted me to come home a little early because something had come up. I got home, and she said that she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat with the home doppler she had. The next morning we went in to the doctor's office, and we were happy to see the heart beat. And then we didn't see it. And then we did see the heart beat again, but faintly. The doctor said we should go right over to the high-risk OB. An hour later we were in his office, with the tech running the ultrasound. After about 30 seconds, the tech stood up and excused herself to get the doctor, which reenacted the scene from about 6 years ago when we lost Zoe. She couldn't find the heartbeat, so she was going to get the doctor to tell us we'd lost the baby. That really sucked.
The baby was big enough that we still had to deliver him. We tried getting into the hospital that day, but since most c-sections are planned for Tuesdays, trying to get into a hospital on a Tuesday or Wednesday for a non-emergency delivery is just about impossible. We were able to get in on Thursday at 7AM. Krista still had to do an epidural and all the other things that go along with a delivery. About 10 hours later, our little boy was born. The nurse cleaned him up and we were both able to hold him. We have three songs we sing to our girls just about every night, Jesus Loves Me, Jesus Loves the Little Children, and a little French lullaby. We wanted to sing to him at least once before we gave him back.
The funny thing is that babies at that stage don't have all the baby fat but they do have the facial bone structure, so they almost look like little adults, or, to be a bit crass but descriptive, about the same size and weight as action figures. I held him and saw that he had the Lord 'booty booty butt' chin, as we call it, and said to myself, "Wow, am I making this up, or does he look like my dad?". A few seconds later, Krista said, "He looks like your dad!"
We named him Jonathan Andrew Lord. Krista's dad's name is John, I really like David's friend Jonathan from the Bible, and both Jonathan and Andrew are family names. Krista was adamant that it not be a city name. It wasn't intended at the time, but I think that works out really well. Brooklyn and Sydney were made to be part of this world-at least for a time- and you can't get more temporal than city names. Zoe Renae ("Life, Reborn") and Jonathan Andrew ("God has given Man, or Manly") are much more spiritually focused, which makes sense, as they skipped earth and were made for heaven.
One of the things we struggled with a bit with Zoe is that we miss her, but if she had been, our daughter Brooklyn wouldn't have been. I'd mentioned Jonathan was one of my favorite men in the Bible, and that's because he was such a great friend and the very definition of personal sacrifice. He knew that David should be king, but since he, Jonathan, was the heir to the throne, he would have to die in order for David to become king. And even knowing that full well, Jonathan still did everything he could in order to help and protect David. Its impossible to know God's plan, but if we were to get pregnant again soon, it would mean that we couldn't have had both Jonathan and another baby, that again another Jonathan made way for someone else.
I thought it was good that we were able to be with him at the end, so to speak, to see his last few heartbeats. And after three girls, we were able to have a boy. There are some things we do miss, little coincidences that you see and hope for and think "Oh, that will be cool," but now are lost. My dad passed away on January 15, 2010 and Jonathan was due to be born in January 2011- like one person in the family was lost, but another came in almost exactly a year later. Also, Krista's sister's due date was within just a couple days of hers, and we were excited about these two cousins being great friends like their older siblings are.
But there are some coincidences that are good. As I mentioned, my dad passed away in January, and this August was feeling a little rough for me, as my dad always made it a point to come down to visit us for my birthday in mid-August. But it was neat that a 'little Steve' still showed up for me. Plus, Jonathan, Brooklyn and I all have birthdays within 2 weeks.
This has definitely been a sad time, but I'm not mad in the least. I don't think 'why me?' or 'why us?'. This is part of our story, of what makes us who we are. I still think I live a charmed life, I'm incredibly blessed, and that God's plan is perfect. I do know His plan is beyond me, but that my life is His to use how he wants to. I'm blessed.
His Name in Print
I received my sons birth certificate in the mail. As soon as I saw the envelope I knew what was in it. I remember getting this same envelope almost 6 years ago.
I eagerly opened it up. There it was in bold, black ink.
Jonathan Andrew Lord
Born to Brian Lord & Krista Renae Lord
Born August 12, 2010 at 4:44 p.m.
I just kept staring at it. I was not supposed to receive this piece of paper until January, but now I find myself in an all to familiar place. I put his birth certificate in the knitted bag the hospital gave me along with his blanket and hat. Jonathan's bag sits right next to his sister Zoe's neatly in our closet. Right now it's too hard for me to go through everything in there, but I know one day in the future it will bring comfort to me. Oh how I wish I had them both here in my arms and not reminders of them in a little bag. Oh dear Lord this is not what I had planned, but I know you have known this from the beginning of time so I rest in the fact that one day this ugliness will be Redeemed for your glory.
I am so thankful that our hospital gives parents that have suffered a loss of a baby a birth certificate. It means so much to me that they recognize my baby's life. He had meaning and a purpose and he is my son.
I eagerly opened it up. There it was in bold, black ink.
Jonathan Andrew Lord
Born to Brian Lord & Krista Renae Lord
Born August 12, 2010 at 4:44 p.m.
I just kept staring at it. I was not supposed to receive this piece of paper until January, but now I find myself in an all to familiar place. I put his birth certificate in the knitted bag the hospital gave me along with his blanket and hat. Jonathan's bag sits right next to his sister Zoe's neatly in our closet. Right now it's too hard for me to go through everything in there, but I know one day in the future it will bring comfort to me. Oh how I wish I had them both here in my arms and not reminders of them in a little bag. Oh dear Lord this is not what I had planned, but I know you have known this from the beginning of time so I rest in the fact that one day this ugliness will be Redeemed for your glory.
I am so thankful that our hospital gives parents that have suffered a loss of a baby a birth certificate. It means so much to me that they recognize my baby's life. He had meaning and a purpose and he is my son.
First time ever I saw your face
We had prayed for an easy delivery with our son just liked we did when I had to deliver Zoe. God showed up again and answered that prayer. I had gotten my epidural first thing in the morning and then they gave me some morphine to make me relaxed so I could get some sleep. Relaxed is not the word. I would say "Out if it" was more like it. It was actually nice because it gave me a break from crying. It was weird not to be able to cry while the drug was in my system.
Sometime around 3:00 pm my nurse Julie, who was awesome, came to check me and when she did my water broke. I was 5 to 6 centimeters dilated. She said it wouldn't be long and I probably wouldn't have to be all the way to 10 to have the baby.
At that time I was so thirst and my mouth felt like cotton. I asked Brian to get me a popsicle. Half way through eating it I started shaking uncontrollably. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I hated it. This went on for about 40 minutes. I prayed that it would stop. Finally it did. Julie said that it was normal and it could mean my body was in transition and getting ready to deliver.
I have Pandora downloaded on my iPhone and I listened to Christian music the whole time I was in labor. I needed to have the encouragement of the words to know that I was not alone. I felt the Lord in that room. I wanted to have praise music on when our baby was born.
When Julie came to check on me again just right before 5:00, I felt my baby come out. No pain, just peace. Thank you Lord for answering that prayer. Julie took our baby over to the isolate and cleaned him off. She got him ready for us.
Before we went to the hospital that morning I told Brian that I didn't want to see the baby. This was not like me as I so desperately wanted to see Zoe when she was born. I think I was still in shock and thought seeing him would make it worse. I am so glad I changed my mind. Around 8:00pm Julie brought our son into the room. He was wrapped in a yellow crocheted tiny blanket. I asked her to give him to Brian first. Brian held him and my heart broke in two. I just sobbed. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I know I keep saying it but it's so true. I ached for my son and for my sweet husband.
Brian said, "He has the Lord chin". We call that the booty butt chin. Brian and Sydney both have it. He handed me Jonathan and I couldn't believe it. There it was so easy to see. Oh thank you Lord. His eyes were opened ever so slightly. He was precious and he was my son. I will never forget his face as long as I live.
I wanted to sing him his first lullaby. I started to sing, "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me the Bible tells me so". Brian and I sang to our son through the tears. What a moment for us to have with him. We then sang another song to him in French. It was a song that Brian has been singing to me since before we got married when we were just dating. I was on the road at the time as a Christian artist and on a big tour. We rarely saw each other so our nighttime calls became something we looked forward too. I remember I would lay in my bunk on the bus and he would sing it to me before we prayed. Of course I can't speak a lick of French but over the years from hearing it so much, now I can sing it. We sing it to the girls and now they both can sing it as well.
I will keep the name of the song just between us because it is so special to me, but I am thankful that Brian and I had that time alone with our firstborn son. I wanted to make sure he heard his mommy and daddy's voices before we let him go. I remember giving him back to our nurse and just crying. No parent should ever have to give up their child. It's just plain cruel.
The girls came to visit us and it was so nice to have them in the room. I had always pictured them coming to the hospital in their shirts that said "Big Sister" on it. Then they would look at their baby brother and fight over who would hold him first. Then they would hop up in the bed and my family would take a picture of the new family of 5. Unfortunately that was not in the Lord's plan this day. Oh I pray that that picture will come soon.
Sometime around 3:00 pm my nurse Julie, who was awesome, came to check me and when she did my water broke. I was 5 to 6 centimeters dilated. She said it wouldn't be long and I probably wouldn't have to be all the way to 10 to have the baby.
At that time I was so thirst and my mouth felt like cotton. I asked Brian to get me a popsicle. Half way through eating it I started shaking uncontrollably. It was the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I hated it. This went on for about 40 minutes. I prayed that it would stop. Finally it did. Julie said that it was normal and it could mean my body was in transition and getting ready to deliver.
I have Pandora downloaded on my iPhone and I listened to Christian music the whole time I was in labor. I needed to have the encouragement of the words to know that I was not alone. I felt the Lord in that room. I wanted to have praise music on when our baby was born.
When Julie came to check on me again just right before 5:00, I felt my baby come out. No pain, just peace. Thank you Lord for answering that prayer. Julie took our baby over to the isolate and cleaned him off. She got him ready for us.
Before we went to the hospital that morning I told Brian that I didn't want to see the baby. This was not like me as I so desperately wanted to see Zoe when she was born. I think I was still in shock and thought seeing him would make it worse. I am so glad I changed my mind. Around 8:00pm Julie brought our son into the room. He was wrapped in a yellow crocheted tiny blanket. I asked her to give him to Brian first. Brian held him and my heart broke in two. I just sobbed. This was not the way it was supposed to be. I know I keep saying it but it's so true. I ached for my son and for my sweet husband.
Brian said, "He has the Lord chin". We call that the booty butt chin. Brian and Sydney both have it. He handed me Jonathan and I couldn't believe it. There it was so easy to see. Oh thank you Lord. His eyes were opened ever so slightly. He was precious and he was my son. I will never forget his face as long as I live.
I wanted to sing him his first lullaby. I started to sing, "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me. Yes Jesus Loves Me the Bible tells me so". Brian and I sang to our son through the tears. What a moment for us to have with him. We then sang another song to him in French. It was a song that Brian has been singing to me since before we got married when we were just dating. I was on the road at the time as a Christian artist and on a big tour. We rarely saw each other so our nighttime calls became something we looked forward too. I remember I would lay in my bunk on the bus and he would sing it to me before we prayed. Of course I can't speak a lick of French but over the years from hearing it so much, now I can sing it. We sing it to the girls and now they both can sing it as well.
I will keep the name of the song just between us because it is so special to me, but I am thankful that Brian and I had that time alone with our firstborn son. I wanted to make sure he heard his mommy and daddy's voices before we let him go. I remember giving him back to our nurse and just crying. No parent should ever have to give up their child. It's just plain cruel.
The girls came to visit us and it was so nice to have them in the room. I had always pictured them coming to the hospital in their shirts that said "Big Sister" on it. Then they would look at their baby brother and fight over who would hold him first. Then they would hop up in the bed and my family would take a picture of the new family of 5. Unfortunately that was not in the Lord's plan this day. Oh I pray that that picture will come soon.
After Christmas, Mommy?
How do you explain death to a 3 year old and an almost 5 year old? It seems like they have grown acustomed to that word this year. First with the death of their PeePaw in January and now their baby brother.
When we got home from the hospital on Friday we sat them down in front of us and told them we had something we wanted to talk about. They sat next to each other on the ottoman and Sydney put her arm around Brooklyn and they were all ears. I think they thought it was going to be something good and exciting because they had smiles on their faces. It was one of the hardest moments as a parent.
I said, "Something very sad has happened. The baby died". All the color went out of Brooklyn's face and her smile faded. She didn't speak. Sydney said, "Why did the baby die mommy"? I told her I didn't know.
That has been Sydney's question over and over again since Friday. Friday night Brian gave her a bath and she started asking him questions. The door was shut but I could hear their conversation through the door. "Did someone step on the baby daddy?" No he said. "Did the baby break in two?" No he said. "Oh she said. "You know, God" and their was a long pause. "Is always with us". Wow I stood their stunned as tears filled my eyes. In her own 3 year old mind she gets the bigger picture. Thank you Lord.
Last night I was laying in bed with Sydney just about to read her some books when she said, "Mommy will the baby be here after Christmas?" This is something we used to tell the girls when they asked us when the baby would be here. They usually asked on a daily basis and since they don't understand the concept of time, it was easier to use Christmas as a guide. That way they would know when it was getting close.
Last night when she asked me my heart broke. I said, "Honey remember the baby died". She said, "I don't want MY baby to die mommy". The tears flowed like a rushing river and they could not be stopped. She started to cry. This was the first time I had seen her cry over the death of her baby brother. She cried hard. All I could do was hold her and tell her it was going to be ok. That it was ok to cry. I just held her and rocked her in my arms.
This is what pains me the most. I can handle my own sadness, but not the sadness of my children and my husband. I would do anything to take their pain away.
Today as I watched the girls play with each other I turned to Brian and just told him I felt robbed. Robbed of having my little boy play on the floor with his sisters. They were so excited to have a new playmate and that was stolen from them. From us. I know God sees that and understands. I was reminded today that God not only cries along with me, but that He is angry. Angry that my son was stolen. My friend Amy read Psalm 18 over me and it encouraged my soul. This is a chapter that I will read over and over again as I walk through this journey. I encourage you to read it for yourself and I pray that it brings you hope that the Lord will arm you for battle and go before you as your stronghold.
I got a picture today as she read it of Jesus standing in front of me protecting me from the evil one. I heard Him say, "No More". Oh thank you my Savior. May you be glorified through my suffering. Thank you Amy and Krissy for being the hands and feet of Jesus today. You will never know what it meant to me to have you pray over me. My spirit has been renewed.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?
When we got home from the hospital on Friday we sat them down in front of us and told them we had something we wanted to talk about. They sat next to each other on the ottoman and Sydney put her arm around Brooklyn and they were all ears. I think they thought it was going to be something good and exciting because they had smiles on their faces. It was one of the hardest moments as a parent.
I said, "Something very sad has happened. The baby died". All the color went out of Brooklyn's face and her smile faded. She didn't speak. Sydney said, "Why did the baby die mommy"? I told her I didn't know.That has been Sydney's question over and over again since Friday. Friday night Brian gave her a bath and she started asking him questions. The door was shut but I could hear their conversation through the door. "Did someone step on the baby daddy?" No he said. "Did the baby break in two?" No he said. "Oh she said. "You know, God" and their was a long pause. "Is always with us". Wow I stood their stunned as tears filled my eyes. In her own 3 year old mind she gets the bigger picture. Thank you Lord.
Last night I was laying in bed with Sydney just about to read her some books when she said, "Mommy will the baby be here after Christmas?" This is something we used to tell the girls when they asked us when the baby would be here. They usually asked on a daily basis and since they don't understand the concept of time, it was easier to use Christmas as a guide. That way they would know when it was getting close.
Last night when she asked me my heart broke. I said, "Honey remember the baby died". She said, "I don't want MY baby to die mommy". The tears flowed like a rushing river and they could not be stopped. She started to cry. This was the first time I had seen her cry over the death of her baby brother. She cried hard. All I could do was hold her and tell her it was going to be ok. That it was ok to cry. I just held her and rocked her in my arms.
This is what pains me the most. I can handle my own sadness, but not the sadness of my children and my husband. I would do anything to take their pain away.
Today as I watched the girls play with each other I turned to Brian and just told him I felt robbed. Robbed of having my little boy play on the floor with his sisters. They were so excited to have a new playmate and that was stolen from them. From us. I know God sees that and understands. I was reminded today that God not only cries along with me, but that He is angry. Angry that my son was stolen. My friend Amy read Psalm 18 over me and it encouraged my soul. This is a chapter that I will read over and over again as I walk through this journey. I encourage you to read it for yourself and I pray that it brings you hope that the Lord will arm you for battle and go before you as your stronghold.
I got a picture today as she read it of Jesus standing in front of me protecting me from the evil one. I heard Him say, "No More". Oh thank you my Savior. May you be glorified through my suffering. Thank you Amy and Krissy for being the hands and feet of Jesus today. You will never know what it meant to me to have you pray over me. My spirit has been renewed.
29 With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
30 As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
31 For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?
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